ZOMG Who Hid the Facebookz!?
Facebook is down on the Northwestern network. This much has become horrifyingly clear over the last few traumatic hours. Whether you were in bed, in class or running tearfully through the streets, I trust that everyone will forever remember what they were doing when the tragic news became known. So, as I like to do with all major catastrophes, I turn my attention now to assigning blame. In that vein, I offer a short list of potential culprits. But first, I would like to make one thing absolutely clear:
• Evanston City Council member from the 6th ward Mark Tendam had absolutely nothing to do this. Any insinuation that Mark Tendam single handedly orchestrated this Facebook takedown -- through a vast and well organized conspiracy in retribution for the NU student protests about the brothel law-- is outrageous and inaccurate. Anyone planning to picket outside his office tomorrow morning at 9am with me should reconsider because, once again, I would like to point out that Mark Tendam had nothing to do with this.
Now then, the potential offenders:
• Hosni Mubarak: The Egyptian dictator and overall douchebag has a lengthy track record of shutting down Facebook and the Internet in general. In fact, he did it yesterday. Needless to say, he has the means and desire to carry out a stunt like this. And, since I clicked “attend” on the Virtual Million March in Solidarity With Egypt event yesterday, let’s just say he has motivation.
• The Blizzard of Levy Levy: After the unthinkable chaos and destruction that this storm leveled on an unsuspecting city, I am unable to discount the theory that a 45-foot wave of ice from Lake Michigan came in and knocked out the Central Facebook Center of Northwestern. Which exists.
• The NU IT Department: Dear Jonathon Love, I’m sorry that I was on Facebook during your technology presentation to my journalism class. Can I haz the Facebooks now? Love, Tom
• Barack Obama: Can’t find his birth certificate, can’t fix the Facebook…. Hmmm….
• Brett Favre:Is it safe to rule out that he sent an inappropriate picture to Mark Zuckerberg, who was so traumatized that he took it out on us? I think not. Which brings us to…
• Mark Zuckerberg: The dude’s totally just reminding us that He. Owns. Our. Lives.
Oh wait, Facebook’s back. NVMBRB.