Your Valentine’s Day, in a Disappointing Nutshell
Today is Saint Valentine’s Day, named after the Christian saint Valentinus, who Wikipedia says was arrested for something and then healed some guy’s daughter with magic or whatever. I don’t know the specifics; I write for Sherman Ave, so I don’t really like to research stuff.
What I do know, however, is that you probably have some very high expectations for this year’s Valentine’s Day. Last year was pretty mediocre; the girl/guy you liked didn’t give you a Valentine or a kiss or a RT; you ate too much candy and were sick the whole next day; your father died; etc. But this year, you have hope. This year is your year. This is gonna be the year where Valentine’s Day represents a glorious metamorphosis for you; from child to grand adult; from impotent wretch to 21st-Century sex god.
I’m here to reassure you that none of those things are going to happen.
Not that I want you to have a miserable Valentine’s Day; I’m just being realistic. I want to kill your desires now before they get too lofty and you end up crying in a flaccid heap on the morning of the 15th. So here is my attempt to let you know what to expect today, without being too harsh. I think.
Your attractive roommate getting showered with affection. You’re not a good-looking person. When you took a celebrity look-alike test, you were matched with Air Bud. Biology graduate students think you may be the missing link. You were invited to a sorority crush party ironically. Conversely, your roommate is handsome, funny, and has gigantic hands. Don’t be surprised if he is sent multiple roses and notes of sophomoric affection from insecure freshmen girls, nearly all of whom he will deny, because he’s a fucking beautiful human being and beautiful human beings can do that shit.
Various bake sales for charities you don’t care about. When you’re loveless, Valentine’s Day becomes nothing more than a sugar-clogged feast. As such, you will set out, searching for free or very cheap candy and baked goods to consume, only to find that they’re all being sold by on-campus groups that will guilt the shit out of you if you don’t show interest in their generally unimportant philanthropic cause. Hell, you weren’t even aware that the koalas needed to be saved, nor did you know that scurvy is still a thing that people have. You must make a choice: go sweet-hungry, or feign interest in helping people and doing good in the world. If you are as shitty of a person as you know you are, you will do the former. Way to go, you selfish prick.
Someone trying to get you to do a Valentine’s-Themed Harlem Shake. The Harlem Shake is a truly phenomenal meme. The meme was spat from the mouth of the internet around approximately the 5th or 6th of February. As of the writing of this article, it has already peaked, and is on its decline. It shows all the signs of a meme’s life being over: Celebrities have attempted to replicate it, universities have done their own underwhelming versions of it, and there are more bad videos of it than good. A week after the 14th, the meme will most likely be dead and completely forgotten. This is truly spectacular first for the internet—Gangnam Style lasted a solid three months at least, “Shit ________ Say” had a life of at least four. But a meme being popular for only two weeks? Unprecedented. Hopefully, you will recognize this and politely decline the offer, knowing that internet life is fleeting, and is fleeting faster than it ever has before. It does look pretty fun, though.
No one making that big of a deal about it. Remember how sweet Valentine’s Day was in elementary school? Everyone would make a mailbox and all the kids would go around and give each other candy and write valentines to each other while your teacher went out behind the cafeteria and smoked a cigarette; it was truly a great day. Now it means virtually nothing unless you have a significant other, and even if you do, you’ll probably just end up getting in a fight about where to eat a shitty, loveless dinner. So do your Harlem Shake video, buy a red and pink cookie to help support Burmese miners’ rights to own multiple sheep, and retire back to the lounge of your dorm (because your roommate is stickin’ it to that girl from Morty Morson that you know) and watch some Downton Abbey until you get too tired and go to sleep.
There’s always Saint Paddy’s Day, right? When there’s alcohol, nothing can possibly go wrong or be sad. So hang in there, holiday trooper; you’ll have your day. Until then, keep searching for your meme.