Your Favorite Websites as Members of Your Family
What do we all spend a lot of time with? No, it’s not your ever-present thoughts of death! It’s our favorite websites, and our families! One might be an escape from the other (yowza!), but they have a lot more in common than you might think:
Facebook is…your cool older sister, Alice
Oh man, Alice is the best! You made basically all of your friends through her, just by hanging out with her and meeting her friends. You’re in the same friend group! You’re that kind of siblings! Alice always keeps you updated on the news and the newest memes, tells you about cool stuff that’s happening in the city, and has tons of dope games to play! The one drawback about Alice is her poking, it’s very annoying, but also it’s kind of endearing in a weird way. Man, Alice is the best.
LinkedIn is...your Dad
Ugh. Okay, so admittedly, you don’t check in with dad as often as you should. You love dad, you really do, you know how much he tries to help you, and you really appreciate it, but he can just be a load! Always asking if you have a job, telling you about all your friends’ jobs, asking to look at your resume, asking you to describe your skills, constantly destroying lamps, drinking excessively, getting into brawls with street youth, yelling obscenities at carolers at christmas time. But he’s dad, and you’re never gonna make it in the world without him.
No word on if LinkedIn also cheated on your mom.
BuzzFeed is... Joshua, the accursed cousin
O, quiver before the woeful, woeful, woeful tale of Joshua, your wee baby cousin, born to your mother’s brother and his wife. Your uncle, the fool he was, stole from a witch an entire box of Milano cookies. As revenge, the crooked witch placed a spell upon your uncle that his firstborn son will forever only be able to speak in strange tongues! Joshua, the accursed cousin, can only talk in lists, outdated memes, politically skewed news articles. Overall, Joshua represents a worrying fusion in our society of information and entertainment. The masses are no longer able to absorb information unless they’re broken down into lists, quizzes, sound bites, and gifs.
He’s annoying, loud, and his eyes show only the blackness within his soul. What a creep!
Tumblr is... your weird little brother, Krampus
You get it, your little brother has different interests than you! It doesn’t bother you! He’s passionate about what he likes, and it’s really fucking annoying sometimes?
He’s a sweetheart, really, he is. Krampus has always been a sweet kid, you appreciate his affection and want to be friends with him and all, but if he asks you to watch that anime about that high school swim team one more time you’re gonna lose it. He’s 15 years old for crying out loud, you don’t understand while he still only watches cartoons and that dumb Supernatural show. You’re just thankful that Krampus is finally passed his My Little Pony phase. That was weird.
And another thing, Krampus is like, really obsessive about social justicey stuff? You’re progressive, definitely, but it’s just like...everything Krampus says is about social justice. Give it a break. You love your little brother, but, if we’re being honest, sometimes you say you don’t spend time with him anymore at parties. I dunno, maybe you should try harder with him. Maybe check out that game Undertale Krampus has been playing a lot lately? Maybe.
Also the screams of the tortured children coming from his room can be distracting as fuck when you’re trying to work.
Tinder is… Bruce, the bullfrog that decides who everyone in your family marries
Sometimes it’s embarrassing to admit that you met your spouse because it was decreed by a bullfrog named Bruce, who your extended family agreed to vest the power of deciding who you were going to wed in. But, there’s really no better way to meet people these days! Dating is really hard and it's easier when the decision is out of your hands! You used to think Bruce was a stupid idea and only used for hook-ups but then Alice, your cool sister, met a really cool lady over Bruce and they’ve been dating for like 7 months and they’re totally in love.
Basically, you bring Bruce to all of the people you could possibly be attracted to in your area, and then he judges them.
If Bruce ribbits once, that means that you are to marry the person.
If Bruce ribbits twice, you are forbidden to marry the person.
If Bruce ribbits three times, then it’s actually pretty embarrassing for you, because it means that you have the wrong frog. You accidentally grabbed Maurice, the tree frog that makes all of your family’s financial decisions.
Maurice is a Red Eye Tree Frog, native to Central America, from Southern Mexico to Eastern Panama. They can grow up to 3 inches, and this one helped your family create a thriving business in the competitive energy industry. Thanks, Maurice!
If Maurice ribbits once, your family invests in a company.
If Maurice ribbits twice, your family sells its stock.
If Maurice ribbits three times, then he’s predicting a massive inflation in the cost of gasoline over the next few years due to increasing tension between the West and the Middle East.
If Maurice ribbits four times, the housing market crashes. Note that he doesn’t predict the crash, he causes it. Maurice is fearsome and must be appeased.
If Maurice lists the four hottest CEOs under 30, then...wait, goddammit!