Why Oral Fixation Isn't As Sexy As It Sounds
If you’ve ever taken Intro to Psychology or just explored the fucked-up mind-maze that is Freudian sexuality, you’ve probably heard of this sorta kinky-sounding Freudian disorder. It’s one of those ones you get from repressed desires and/or Victorian Era corsets, though it is definitely not to be confused with craving an actual game of Fuck, Marry, Kill with your parents. Images of Mick Jagger’s lips and lollipops dance through you’re mind, but basically it’s just an obsession with all things that give you that tingly feeling in your biggest, flabbiest face-orifice.
And now, as someone with a self-diagnosed Oral Fixation, I know what you probably think life is like living with such a disorder: Like, the sound track is probably Oracular Spectacular, and just because no one really paid attention to MGMT’s last album doesn’t mean that “Electric Feel” isn’t still spicy the 3 millionth time around.
But goddammit, it’s a lot harder than just needing “constant oral stimulation”. There are some mad harsh symptoms that can’t just be psychoanalyzed away, even by an old, bearded man on a velvet chaise.
- A constant demand for alcohol, coffee, and/or diet coke. Mix all three with milk and you’ve got a balanced breakfast. As in you get a balanced volume of liquid in and liquid out.
- Lip balm actually makes my lips more chapped, because the taste of my own Cherry Chapstick makes me forget why constantly licking my lips in public isn’t a good career move when my only form of employment is nannying and watching little kids play in a pool.
- I actually have contemplated tasting a baby who was just “cute enough to eat right up.”
- The only reason I don’t chain smoke is I can’t work a lighter. And if someone’s around with a cigarette and a lighter, it’s probably easier to just drunkenly make-out.
- I am, however, a pack-a-day gum chewer. Which kinda gets gross when the piece you’ve been passing back and forth with you’re DFMO gets rubbery.
- DFMO is actually a super unclear term. Like how come dancing study break in the library stacks while hyped on knowledge isn’t a socially acceptable excuse to skip names before making out? What if I just make my life a musical?
- Giving blowjobs still kinda sucks. As in at first it’s like “oh shit, look what I can do with my tongue,” but there’s still a reason no one ever makes it to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
And finally, sometimes DFMO’s actually call you, and then you have to explain to them that you just needed to keep your tongue busy for a bit and that you’re mother probably breast fed you too much.