Why I Will Not Be Speaking to Aunt Carol at Thanksgiving Dinner (by Aunt Debbie)

Dear Hutchinson Family, I wanted to give you all a heads up that I will NOT be speaking to Aunt Carol this Thanksgiving and I would really appreciate it if you could try to include me in the dinner conversation without making me acknowledge her disgusting presence. If you somehow forgot why Aunt Carol is likely the spawn of Satan and a disgrace to both our family and humanity as a whole, let me jog your memory.

Last Thanksgiving, Carol and I somehow got on the subject of movies. As the self-proclaimed “movie buff” of the family (Nice try, Uncle Jim, but we both know you didn’t really understand Tree of Life), Steven Spielberg’s masterpiece Lincoln obviously came up in conversation. Well, apparently Aunt Carol is denser than we thought. After I sharing my insightful yet critical thoughts on the film, she freaked out at me for “spoiling the movie.” Yes, you read that correctly: I “spoiled” the ending of the Civil War for her. As it turns out, Carol isn’t aware that our country once stood divided. She also can’t pronounce quinoa. I guess Aunt Susan wasn’t kidding when she said that she got the brains and Carol got the looks.

To make matters worse, Carol apparently knows just as much about manners as she does about United States history. After sarcastically thanking me for saving her $10 at the movie theater, she asked me to email her the recipe for my infamous green bean casserole because she had some “ideas for it.” I mean, sure, if it’s not broke, don’t fix it, but if it is the perfect blend of spices that come together in a way that complements but doesn’t overpower the main dish, shut your mouth, Carol. The nerve of some people truly astounds me. Anyway, after rejecting Carol’s plan for “improvements,” I came to the decision that I would never waste another breath on that sad excuse for a human being.

Now, I’m sure you all have a lot of questions like: Why don’t you try to patch things up with Carol? Why don’t you tell anyone the family recipe for green bean casserole? Isn’t that the point of a family recipe? And, to keep in the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ll be totally honest with you guys: I don’t have all the answers. Sure, I may know how to make a killer side dish and the result of the Civil War, but in the end, I’m only human. So, this Thursday, when we sit down to give thanks and remember why we are a family, I’m asking you to have my back and ignore Carol if she asks someone to pass the gravy. I mean, we all know she doesn’t need the extra calories. Also, who knows? Maybe if we ice her out completely, she will realize the err of her ways and come to terms with the fact that she is, indeed, a piece of trash in trapped in a dowdy woman’s body. You know what they say: anything can happen on Thanksgiving.

Much Love,

Aunt Debbie