Why Babies Are The Worst
Have you seen this post? You’ve probably seen this post. It’s on this great new investigative journalism site called Buzzing-Feed. And it was written by an NU alum, Matt Bellassai! Yeah, of “Matt N Jazzy” fame! Fun stuff. Here’s another fun fact: this post misses the whole point. Kids aren’t the worst. Kids are bad, but they aren’t the worst. BABIES are the actual worst. See, kids go to school and play sports and join clubs and basically get out of your hair every once in a while. Babies don’t. And that makes them the worst, for the following reasons:
1. Babies don’t know anything. They literally know absolutely nothing. If you ask a baby its name, it won’t tell you. Because it doesn’t know. It’ll probably just burp up on itself, and then you’ll have to clean that up but you still won’t know the baby’s name.
2. Babies cry like it’s a hobby or something. You know what I do as a hobby? I write snarky blog posts and like things on Facebook. That’s a real hobby. Crying isn’t a hobby. It’s annoying as shit. Yet babies just sit there crying all day, acting like it doesn’t make them bad people. But it does.
3. Babies contribute nothing to human advancement. You know who mapped the human genome? Adults. Who brought down the Nazis? Grown-ups. Who wrote our great symphonies? An eight-year-old Amadeus. Not a baby. The closest babies have come to contributing to society is the 1999 classic “Baby Geniuses,” but IMDB tells me that adults produced that film so even that doesn’t count.
4. Babies only function is producing shit. They sit around all day, just waiting until they can revel in their one amazing accomplishment: filling a diaper with human excrement. And then, get this, they expect us to replace the shit-filled diaper with a new, clean one so that they can sully that as well. Meanwhile, the rest of the CIVILIZED world has figured out how to shit in toilets. But don’t mind us, babies. God forbid you use us as an example.
5. Babies are completely and totally unable to fend for themselves. For example, put a baby in a room full of baby food and see if the baby can take care of itself. I can guarantee that baby won’t even open a single jar of life-giving food. It will wither away, unable to feed itself. (On a side note, under no conditions should you ever do this. It is called child abuse, and you will go to jail.)
6. Babies cannot hold a conversation. While everyone else at a party is trying to avoid talking politics by discussing the Blackhawks historic 18-game point streak to start the season, babies aren’t talking at all. Because they can’t. They just sit there silently, like they expect us to talk about them or something.
7. Babies will bankrupt you. In addition to bringing nothing to the table culturally or personally, babies are financial leeches on you and your family. They cannot get a job, much less hold onto one. They don’t even go to school, apparently having given up on trying to get an education. Instead, they make us pay for everything as they drain financial resources away on a daily basis. Fuckin’ mooches.
8. Babies are bad at sports. Interesting statistic: In the history of the Boston Marathon, there have been exactly zero baby winners. Same goes for the World Series, Olympics, Super Bowl and Stanley Cup.* In fact, it seems almost certain that if a baby were to play in the NFL, he or she would die pretty much immediately.
As you can see, babies are utterly worthless, and it’s high time that we all stopped pretending that their so-called “cuteness” makes up for their irreparable lack of contributions to society. The only real solution is to start openly mocking babies to their face, hoping that our tough love will encourage them to step their game up.
So next time you see a baby, don’t play “peek-a-boo” or try to feed them peas on an awesome airplane spoon. Ask them what 2+2 is. When the baby can’t answer, laugh loudly and point before singing “baby can’t do maaath, baby can’t do maaath.” That should do the trick.
*NOTE: The Miami Heat’s 2012 NBA Finals victory was a historic win, with LeBron James becoming the first ever Baby-American to become an NBA champion.