Mizzou vs. Auburn
Before we even start to begin analyzing who we should be rooting for in all these matchups, there’s something that’s been bothering me for the past week, and I need to get it off my chest because I’m really worried about it.
What if, in some psychotic, cruel twist of fate, God is actually an Alabama fan? Hear me out:
What if the Auburn/Alabama game was actually a twisted plot by a front running, vindictive creator to hand Alabama the most satisfying victory in the entirety of human history? Imagine if Auburn wins this game, and then Florida State and Ohio State both fall in THEIR conference’s title game. Stay with me.
In that scenario, we have Auburn with their ticket punched for the BCS title. But then, there’s no clear number two. Florida State will have lost to Duke (lol), and Ohio State (more on them in a moment) will have lost to Michigan State. Which would make Alabama the logical choice to send to the national title.
And then imagine if Alabama WINS that game in dramatic fashion, getting incredible, biblical, fire-and-brimstone revenge on underdog Auburn for the most insane game in the history of sports and also winning their third-straight national title, making Nick Saban one of the greatest coaches of any sport in history.
That would leave us with irrefutable proof of God. Not only that, it would be proof of a God that meddles in the trivial affairs of humans. ALSO IT LEAVES US WITH THE ONLY LOGICAL CONCLUSION THAT GOD IS AN ALABAMA FAN.
I’m really, very uncertain if I am comfortable living in that world. I mean, THINK about that idea. If God is an Alabama fan, then JESUS what does that even MEAN for us?!!?!
The problem with rooting interests in this game arises, however, when we consider that, after witnessing what happened at Auburn last weekend, God is either a) supporting Auburn or b) an honest-to-Him Alabama fan. So as much as I’d like to root for upstart Mizzou, I’m also very afraid of being smote by God in a fiery rain of terror.
Michigan State vs. Ohio State
Remember that scene in Zoolander where Mugatu is franticly waving his arms around and yelling, “SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? THE MAN HAS ONLY ONE LOOK, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? THEY’RE THE SAME FACE! DOESN’T ANYBODY NOTICE THIS? I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!!!!”
That’s how I feel every time someone says that Ohio State is good.
All they did to get to 12-0 is beat up on shitty Big Ten teams and shitty conference opponents and also probably something illegal regarding recruiting/benefits/Urban Meyer running around killing homeless people with broken glass bottles whilst simultaneously cheating on his wife and giving the middle finger to the entire state of Florida.
THEY BARELY BEAT NORTHWESTERN FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. DID ANYBODY NOTICE THAT?! I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!
Michigan State, on the other hand, has the sympathy-inducing factors of:
Playing/attending school in the state of Michigan
Playing/attending school in East Lansing, Mich. Which is, let me tell you, a god-awful shithole.
So this one is really pretty straightforward. No one likes Ohio State, and no one is going to get a kick out of watching them get shit on by any of the top-5 teams that are actually good.
VERDICT: ROOT FOR MICHIGAN STATE, BITCH.
Duke vs. Florida State
Here we have our first real conundrum. On the one hand, Florida State is a very good team that probably deserves a chance at the national title. On the other hand, their starting quarterback was accused of raping a human being. That being said, a matchup of them vs. any other team vying for the BCS title would probably be pretty fun. However, their starting quarterback WAS ACCUSED OF RAPING A HUMAN BEING. HE STILL PLAYED. DID ANYBODY ELSE NOTICE THAT?! I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!!
That being the world we all live in, I feel like it should be fairly obvious that we root for Duke. However, that would leave us with another reminder that Duke had a better football season than Northwestern did. I mean, what the FUCK people. IT’S DUKE. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THEY HAD A FOOTBALL TEAM. AND THEY’RE BETTER THAN WE ARE.
To which you might say: “Samwise, every team is better than we are. What does it matter if Duke is good or not? Even if they had only won two conference games, they’d STILL be better than us.”
And to that I would say, “Touché, imaginary reader of this article that sounds a lot like me. Duke it is.”
Arizona State vs. Stanford
I don’t even know anymore, but given that Stanford is basically Northwestern’s older, cooler brother, I’m just gonna say fuck him and hope the fifth-grader down the street that huffs glue and gets beat by his parents comes around the block and kicks the shit out of that bastard. Yeah, fuck YOU bro!
But does anyone else find it a little odd not to see Oregon’s name in this matchup? I mean, I feel like I just can’t leave this one alone. What Oregon essentially did to build a football team was send out people to scour all corners of the Earth looking for the fastest human beings, gathered up 30 or so of said humans, and then put them all on the same field.
And that team lost to Arizona. DID ANYBODY ELSE NOTICE THAT?! I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!
Anyway, in summary: fuck Stanford they have nicer weather, women, athletic facilities, athletics, academics, and natural beauty THAN EVERY OTHER SCHOOL IN THE WORLD. SO FUCK THEM.
Verdict: Arizona State
Whatever the Fuck the Big 12 is Doing
The Big 12 doesn’t have a title game, and I’m told that, like, five different teams could actually end up clinching the title in some weird, round-robin fashion that I guess makes sense if you’re from Texas/Oklahoma. I’m from neither of those places. So.
Verdict: Study for your finals