What You’re Doing Over Spring Break
WOOOOO!!! You made it through The Helltime that is Winter Quarter, and now you’re ready for easy living, flowing booze and great friends! Turns out, however, that transferring to Arizona State isn’t quite that quick so you’ll have to wait until the fall. Rough. I know. But here’s the good news: IT’S SPRING BREAK MUTHAFUCKAS. And thanks to drone surveillance that Obama authorized with a super-fun secret memo, we know exactly what all of you are doing. Weirdly, those activities fall into exactly nine categories:
- On A Service Trip. “Oh, yeah Hawai’i sounds really nice. Me? Ya know, just building homes for the needy in my free time. Noooo, don’t feel bad. I mean, someone has to go to tropical islands, right? Well, not really. But. Yeah. I’m a better person than you.” .
- Ugh, Stuck On A Family Vacation (freshman). Sucks, right? Everyone else is gallivanting around in the sun with all their cool friends but you’re stuck with your MEGA-lame parents and that super annoying younger brother. Board games every night. Not a drop to drink. And it’s RAINING probably so you can’t even hit the beach. If it weren’t for snapchat this would totally be the worst vacation ever. .
- Traveling FOR FREE With The Fam!!! (senior). Just three years after that^ trauma, you find yourself overjoyed at the prospect of parents delivering free food, drinks, lodging and entertainment. Think of it this way: it’s a whole week where you get to ignore your impending real-personness and all those responsibilities. Go crazy! Order something expensive at a restaurant! Buy couple of cases of Blue Moons! After all, you’re not spending real money. You’re spending your parents’ money.
- Getting Sunburnt. The Monday after Spring Break brings a new and horrifying creature to NU: the walking lobsters. These beings, known as the less fun version of the dancing lobsters, are generally comprised of girls who wanted to get that perfect tan in the 72 hours of beach-time they had, and neglected to use any sunscreen. I mean, suntan oil is practically sunscreen, right? NO. NOT RIGHT. STUPID. And now you’re red all over. Hot. .
- Blogging About How Much Money Staycations Save. While all your stupid friends from Westchester County are gallivanting around the Bahamas, you’re counting your pennies and staying home. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun! You could watch all three Star Wars movies in a row 26 times! Run through the sprinkler in your backyard! But most importantly, remember to blog about how you’re totally not missing out on anything and staycations are just as fun as real vacations. Because if a staycation occurs and no one blogs about it, does it still make me want to punch all the kittens in the esophagus? .
- Drinking Everything. In all fairness, this likely overlaps with many of the other options. But just think how much time you have over break to pour the poison liquors on your face! So whether you’re frying on a beach, sitting alone in your basement as Star Wars plays for the 18th time, or waiting for your flight, Spring Break is the perfect time to replace your self respect with dat alkeehall.
- Replacing Your Social Life With March Madness. It’s ok, friends are overrated. You know what’s not overrated? BRYCE DREW HITTING THAT THREE POINTER. JIMMY V RUNNING AROUND, JUST TRYNA HUG SOME BIDDIES. DUKE LOSING IN THE FIRST ROUND TO LEHIGH. All of these things are great, and, most importantly, they can’t go on vacation without you leaving you friendless over break. Because March Madness is your only friend now. Go snuggle with your bracket. .
- Visiting State Schools. Literally the only benefit to the batshit schedule our the administration worked up for us this year is that many schools have their Spring Break before ours, meaning that we have the perfect chance to go visit all our high school pals at state schools. Gotta show ‘em that all those nerds up at NU really do know how to party, right? Haha! Just messing, you’re gonna make an ass of yourself. .
- Trying To Relive Ski Trip. After a brutal winter spent shuffling down Sheridan, it’s time to break free from the cold with a nice trip to the snow covered mountains of Vail, Colorado. Time to party with half the school in a wintry wonderland of lawlessness! JK, it’s spring break so all those crazy Wildcats have been replaced by 8-year-olds on family vacays who are better skiers than you. Sucks, huh? Go get drunk in the lodge.