What Your Favorite Halloween Candy Says About You
So you may have traded in trick-or-treating for the sweaty basements and sticky floors of fraternities. And your costume might be showing 65% more skin this year. And you’re probably more inclined to gummy bears of the vodka-infused variety now. But even now that your Halloweekend is filled with sexy pizza costumes, DFMOs, and general debauchery, don’t kid yourself--your favorite part of Halloween is still the candy. But, “What exactly does this pack of pre-unwrapped mini-Milky Ways say about me, Sherman Ave?!” you ask. Well, fret not, ya sexy nun, you. We’re here to tell you mostly because we have to fulfill our writer’s quota by the end of the month.
Starburst: Your bright smile and lively nature make you the life of the party--everyone wants to chat you up! There’s something exciting about you that seems to appeal to members of the opposite sex. Said members typically don’t act on these attractions, however, because after all this is Northwestern and their favorite candy is probably Whoppers or some shit (see below), so, you know.
Candy Corn: You’re a girl of tradition.You’re the type of gal who organizes her pencil case before the school year begins, makes gingerbread cookies in the winter, takes partially nude spring break pics in Cabo, and eats--you guessed it--candy corn(!!!) on Halloween. It’s also likely that a good number of your social media posts are accompanied with the caption “wife me up.”
Snickers: Do you even lift, bro? Probably not because you go to Northwestern and the only thing a Northwestern student lifts is his ego after he SLAYS an Orgo midterm. But you probably pretend that you lift and that you like sports and that NU is actually a part of the Big 10. Because a Snickers kind of guy is the kind of guy your older brother either is or encourages you to avoid. Or both.
M&Ms: Everyone likes you, but you’re kind of boring. Flossing is good after consumption of this treat.
Hershey’s Kisses: You, Vixen, you! That’s our nice way of calling you a slut. But we don’t slut shame here at the Ave. We respect people of all identities because we love diversity. Wow this is coming off as really sarcastic, but the sentiment is sincere. Very much unlike your personality.
Whoppers: You know how some people just have it all? Beauty, brains, and personality? Well you’re most likely the exact opposite, and when you add on your naturally unpleasant demeanor, well, you should probably just stay inside this Halloween.
Kit Kat: You’re a very go-with-the-flow type of person. You’re down to eat it all yourself, you’re cool with communal snacking, you’re into pre-planned portions, it’s all chill man. Hell, you don’t need any candy at all, it’s whatever. You’re not tryna be a frat bro, you’re not tryna be a sloot, you’re just tryna be you. And if you don’t succeed at that, you’re pretty chill with that too. I’d like to take a break with you, Kit Kat bar.
Blow Pops: See Hershey’s Kisses. Multiply description by 6.
Dots: Honestly if someone asks you what your favorite candy is, and you reply with, “Why, Dots, of course!” you should really rethink things. Just. Everything.
Homemade goods: You’re already taking candy from strangers, now you’re taking muffins and shit too? Are you dumb? There are probably blades in that pumpkin-shaped sugar cookie! And, like, you don’t know what else they’re cooking in there. This is a meth joke. Breaking Bad. #SlightlyOutdatedCulturalReferences
Purple Nerds: A metaphor. Go ‘Cats.
-Cassandra Goochi and Charlotte Clunt