What Will Happen Now That You Haven't Gotten a Summer Internship
Everyone seems to have the summer figured out except for you! So what will happen if you don’t have that incredible, enriching, game-changing, job-guaranteeing paid internship yet? Let me be the first to tell you.
In case you were wondering, you won’t mean anything to anyone, and you will never amount to anything. It’s the first day of the rest of your life, and the rest of your life is hopeless. You might see a butterfly on your windowsill and think, “Wow, there’s beauty in this world,” but you’re wrong. Even the single flap of a butterfly’s wings can’t change your fate, and your fate is crawling under an old, wet, abandoned house and inhaling mold spores until you die.
- Your family will be ashamed of you.
So ashamed that they will tell friends and neighbors that you died of salmonella poisoning. So ashamed that your sister will only refer to you as “That dirty mommyfucking chode-nose.” So ashamed that your dog won’t look you in the eye, and not just because he has cataracts. So ashamed that your parents will do what they promised they’d never do again...
- You’ll never meet the love of your life.
You will essentially repulse any people who identify as a human people. When you try to flirt with someone, that person will gag themselves with their finger until they vomit on your shoes as a diversion to escape. Your naked body will cause crows to fall dead from the sky, and let me tell you, being surrounded by dead birds CAN be a pretty big turnoff. But it’s honestly for the best because your dick/lady dick won’t work anyway.
- Food will never taste as good.
Mom’s spaghetti? More like vomit on his sweater already. Oh yeah, you will always be wearing a grey hoodie covered in your own vomit, vomit of leftover spaghetti you had at your mom’s house. It may get you a job offer from your friend Future to host rap battles at The Shelter, but you’ll decline like a FUCKING IDIOT because you think you can find success on your own. But as I’ve mentioned before, you’re worthless and therefore you can’t.
- You’ll drop your phone off the top of a parking garage.
Haha looks like someone’s a lil’ Clumsy Clancy! Or a Blundering Blair! Or Stumbles Stanley! Or Graceless Grace! Or All thumbs Jason Aldean! Or Butterfingered Butterfinger! Or Stupid Stephanie! Or Idiot Isaac! Or Pitiful Peter! Or Embarrassment Elizabeth! Or Doesn’t Deserve to Live Dan! Or That Dirty Mommyfucking Chode-nose!
- You’ll slam your finger in a car door.
And then you’ll become dependent ibuprofen. You’ll sit at home living out your days popping Advil and watching daytime TV in a pain-free daze. Sounds like the dream, right? Sure thing, until the lining of your stomach completely dissolves and all your food is playing “floor is lava.” There’s only one loser in that game and it’s you. But you’re not the only one who’s getting hurt. Look at your young daughter. Look into her precious eyes. All she wants in this world is for you to stop using, and you just can’t. “Daddy? Do you think today you can take me to gymnastics today?” “Daddy, you forgot to make dinner again.” How do you live with yourself?
You’ll forget what it’s like to truly laugh. You’ll forget the romping around your backyard, huntin’ for clovers. You’ll forget the joy of driving on the highway late at night, your favorite song on the radio and your favorite arm around your favorite gal. You’ll forget about the sitcom, Just Shoot Me, starring David Spade. You’ll forget where you put your sunglasses, when they’ve just been on your head the whole time!
- All your underwear will have period stains.
You may not even be on your period; you may not even menstruate at all. And yet, one day you’ll realize all of your underwear is ruined. Try as you might to get the stains out, you won’t find any success. Pretty soon it’ll break your spirit and you’ll simply continue to wear it every goddamn day of you life because you don’t deserve anything better.
- You’re professor will tell you to eat shit and die.
It’ll be certainly be tempting too, as all of your classmates will chant it as well. You’ll feel your face get hot, as it turns red from the overcoming shame. You’ll begin to sweat as everyone begins closing in on you. Tears will stream down your face, and you’ll try to cover your ears to block out the spitting and hissing. But the voices are getting louder and louder because they’re coming from inside your head. Soon you stare straight ahead in utter serenity. A drop of blood falls from your nostril.
- You won’t be used as free labor.
So you’ll have to get a paying job at the frozen yogurt shop near your house instead.