WE’RE RICH, BITCH
"It's too big, it's too wide. It's too strong, it won't fit. It's too much, it's too tough." Yes, Beyoncé is talking about Morty’s endowment. Northwestern’s endowment for 2011 was over $7 billion.
Oh, you didn’t think I was talking about money? Yeah. Apparently, we’re one of the wealthiest schools in the country. You could power trip about it, or you could feel slightly guilty that we’re now the 1%. Either way, let's take celebratory body shots of coconut rum off your rich friends and burn some money, you wealthy motherfuckers!
Now, what to do with all this cash? Free tuition for everyone, you say? No, too boring. I get way too much pleasure watching my parents struggle to pay for my elitist education. May I suggest some of my deepest desires/ guilty pleasures that would be worthwhile investments that Northwestern University could make on my behalf?
1. Segways Think about it: if every student was granted a Segway upon entering Northwestern, our campus would drastically change. March through the Arch? No, no. Segway through the Arch! Wait for Safe Ride to carry your sorry ass around? No, I’m good. I’ve got a ride. Segways are the vehicle of choice for the unarmed police patrolling the sorority quad for Smartphone Pirates, so they are clearly the safest vehicle out there, right next to your mom’s massive “I’ll crush the other car in any accident” SUV. I bet Morty would be down to construct a Segway polo arena too.
2. Abolish School of Comm and replace it with a petting zoo ZOMG baby animalzzzz! Let’s be honest: Comm and Bienen kids grow up to be ungrateful starving artists that don’t return money to their alma mater, and petting zoos are a better investment, and soooo much fun! Stressed about midterms? Go pet a goat. Don’t forget take-home-tea-cup-puppies for everyone!
3. Plastic Surgery The men of Northwestern have consistently been graded C+ for their looks. We shouldn’t be forced to drunkenly slobber all over these ball-sack looking fratty bros we call men. Let’s fix this, ladies. If Northwestern granted facial reconstruction surgery to every male, we could have a slightly more attractive campus. Attractive men mean slorry women, so it won’t be hard to convince the guys. However, these soon-to-be harlots are getting a little chunky. Too much Segwaying and too little SPACing. Worry not. Liposuction for everyone! Now we’ve managed to create some silicon-injected, more attractive dudes and some less cottage-cheesy girls. Everyone procreate!
4. Bring Ryan Gosling to NU Yes, it would technically be prostitution to solicit sex from a person for money. But we have 7 BILLION DOLLARS. Now get that tight ass into a Speedo, Ryan, and get it in my lap chop chop!
5. Real Condoms The free condoms kinda suck. Everyone already thinks we’re spoiled brats, so let’s go all the way (literally): It’s not enough that we get free protection from sex! The lube must remain lubey for AS LONG AS WE TAKE. And Louis Vuitton condoms, too. Kthanx.
6. Remove the Parking Police and put them in the petting zoo Being from a nearby area (but not LTHS, fuck you very much) I have had the luxury of occasionally bringing a motor vehicle to campus. However, the parking police from both Evanston and Northwestern are heartless, elitist, Bitter Motherfuckers who have determined to make parking on campus as difficult and convoluted as possible (did you know that enforcement starts at 7:30, but the office where you can get visitor hangtags doesn’t open til 8?). Overall they have devoted more of their time to fining girls parked illegally by accident for 15 minutes than to arresting the Smartphone Pirates and those guys my boyfriend nearly got mugged by. Clearly they were inadequately loved as children. Let’s keep them in the petting zoo, where they will learn that expressing vulnerable emotions will be positively reinforced with attention and love from girls with daddy problems.* We can release them once they have learned to take joy in fuzzy bunnies and sheep rather than other people’s unfortunate parking misfortunes.
7. Cotton Candy Everyday Fuck diabetes. They’ll provide free insulin too.
—————————————————————————————————————————— *One consideration: Where will the daddy-problem girls come from now that we’ve gotten rid of all the theater students?