Welcome to Yik Yaksonville
(The phreshest hood since Will Smith left Bel Air) It’s 3 a.m. on a Tuesday. I figure I’ll call it an early night and go to sleep. I flip my covers over and slide into my (basically) comfy bed.
Naturally, since it’s scientifically proven that looking at computer/phone/television screens before going to bed makes it harder to fall asleep and have a good night’s rest, I roll on my side and swipe to unlock my phone.
As is my nightly ritual, I open up Yik Yak. Ahhh. Story-time.
I read through Yik Yak, up-voting the poetically hilarious and down-voting the unfortunately pathetic. This nightly ritual has become one of twisted indulgence.
During this marvelous “story-time,” I can only imagine the people who wrote these terribly glorious or gloriously terrible snippets of truth.
And I then it hits me.
This shit is real. Real people write these Yaks. ~~~Holy fook ~~~
But imagining Yik Yak outside its virtual environment is a very difficult task. If it were to exist in a tangible universe, with actual beings interacting with one another, I imagine it as a fantasyland (AKA clusterfuck) encompassing Narnia, Gotham City, Westeros and the Red Light District into one. I give you Yik Yaksonville:
- Pueblo de Preguntas. This southern region is chock full of people who have a lot of questions and don’t know where to ask them.
- Complainer County: The inhabitants of this county all lead very normal lives but all share an impressive knack for complaining about anything and everything.
- Township of Try-hards: This is an unfortunate town. These people think they’re funny, and don’t notice when what they say is never appreciated.
- The Borough of Basic Bitches: Those shallow people who live only to gain Yakarma, the currency of Yik Yaksonville, reside here.
- District of L-O-Lia: Where the select few of actually funny people reside. (Including yours truly)
- Fucktown: where the REALLY FUCKING HORNY people are. This is BY FAR the most densely populated area of Yik Yaksonville comprised of mainly nocturnal beings.
- The Moundtains: Mountain range that looks like a lot of boobs.
- The Sea of Disillusionment: Don’t cross that shit. #YikYaksonville4lyfe.
- Sherman Ave: That random black line resembling the journey of a drunken slug on its way home from the Deuce? Ya. That’s the main road of Yik Yaksonville.
I click the top of my phone and put it down as I return to reality and Yik Yak reverts to a virtual universe. Story time is done for the night. L
I bid farewell to all my new friends – the Cyclops of Complainer County, the liger of the District of L-O-Lia, the dwarf from Fucktown and so on – and dream sweet dreams of blue seas and massive moundtains.
Until tomorrow night, Yik Yaksonville.
(PS I know the Map of Yik Yaksonville is a very impressive piece of virtual art. Due to high demand, I’ll be offering a Photoshop course this winter in the Baha’i Temple at midnight every night. If you want to train with a real master of the webernet, please call 1-800-DONTCALL)