Hi.

 

We Are the Old People of Norris, Here for Your Youth and a Light Lunch

We Are the Old People of Norris, Here for Your Youth and a Light Lunch

Hello, 18-22-year-olds. No, we aren’t addressing the graduate students, just you. We’d like to start off by thanking you for sharing your space with us. It is quite well lit, which makes reading small print much easier on our eyes. There are also two elevators, which are helpful for those of us who struggle with the rigorous physical motion necessary to climb stairs. It is a lovely student center. Surely it must be odd to have a bunch of old geezers such as ourselves in the same space as you. That’s alright. We wanted to let you all know that we simply love the wide variety of food options available in your Norris center. Don’t mind us. We’re only here to steal your youth and have a light lunch.

Ah, to be young. Such a treasure. Once you get to be our age you’ll understand, and then you'll steadily plot to drain the vigor from local college-aged individuals. But it takes time and patience, and if World War II taught us anything, it’s the value of patience and that our best years were stolen by the draft. So we’ve begun to eat your food. Soon, we’ll wear your clothes, then your skin, then occupy your entire bodies and regain our sprightly bloom. In the meantime, we’re it taking it slow, primarily because our limbs won’t let us move at any other speed. We’ll get there eventually.

It’s a bit tricky, this whole thing. And it sure is tiring for us golden agers, which is why we’re going to sit down for a light lunch. The Cat Shack is our favorite. There’s nothing like a classic hamburger and Coca-Cola. International Dish is a bit spicy for our liking, so we tend to avoid that station. But you see how we occupy your space, yes? Soon we will occupy your being. Time moves faster when you’re older, so it should happen any minute now.

You think your 20s last? They last as long as a line at Frontera on the days when 50 grandmothers aren’t ordering tortas. Yes, we take our time and can’t pronounce “Taquería” correctly. And yes, we can’t remember half of our grandchildren’s names. But we’re tough. Sure, you have bright, smooth faces and an expansive knowledge of pop culture. But we have endurance. We were married with kids by the time you picked your major. We set aside our best years to do some real world shit. And now we want it back. But don't mind us. Continue collecting “likes” and “selfy.” Drink a milkshake, go out dancing with your friends, sit down in a chair without it being a whole event. Enjoy the benefits of your youth. We know we will.

Freshman Guide: A Cappella Groups and How to Avoid Each of Them

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Norbucks Barista Renames Student

Norbucks Barista Renames Student