The Virgin Diaries: “I Went to Burlesque Celibate and Left Pansexual with a Rice Purity Score of 7”
I had never had sex. A lifelong virgin with a Catholic upbringing and a consuming fear of the opposite gender’s genitalia (I actively turned away in horror at the phallic shape of the Bahá’í temple), the thought of attending Northwestern’s famed Burlesque show was simultaneously tantalizing and terrifying. In an effort to face my phobia and pretend I didn’t spend my nights lying awake in a cold sweat, shaking at the mere idea of the naked human body, I decided to attend the event.
What I witnessed in Lutkin Hall Auditorium – well, it was an experience I can only describe as a true deflowering. My beautiful, unopened rose left looking like the aftermath of a Kansas tornado ripping through a deli shop. I got a belly-button piercing on site. Three distinctly different (but equally alluring) fleshlights arrived at my door (unordered). It was a sexual-awakening likened in magnitude to Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl Nip Slip or the groundbreaking bravery of straight sorority girls who kiss each other on the mouth on Instagram. Sitting in “the splash zone,” dicks, vaginas, and boobs graced both my eyes and my body in a brilliant and bombastic display of orgasmic enlightenment. My Rice Purity Test score went down faster than a PA on Morty.
Unfortunately, while my Burlesque experience gifted me with the knowledge and familiarity of the female orgasm – as well as a plethora of two-girls-one-cup-esque erotic encounters – it also left me with some serious academic challenges. For instance, the laboratory scene had me intimately question my sexuality in organic chemistry lab. I almost received a zero when my professor caught me trying to suck off a graduated cylinder. And goddammit I would do anything…anything…for that A.
All I hope is that Lipstick Theatre will pay for child support since they impregnated me that fateful night. The baby is going to be birthed live at the Saturday 10:30 p.m. show. It will be a water birth. See you there.