US Supreme Court Rules Against Gay Marriage Due to Lack of Changed Facebook Profile Pictures
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Amid heated national scrutiny Monday afternoon the Supreme Court handed down an unprecedented 5-4 decision denying LGBT individuals the right to marriage equality. The Court, in a fiery ruling composed by Justice Kennedy, upheld California's Prop 8 banning same-sex marriage on the basis of a lack of social media presence.
While Kennedy's decision cited multiple reasons for his ruling, his majority opinion predominantly focused on the popular Facebook trend of changing one's profile picture to a pink equals sign superimposed on a red field.
The image started as a post on the Equal Rights Campaign's Facebook page, which urged its followers to make the image their profile pictures so as to show their support for same-sex marriage. The trend took off -- the original post now has nearly 20,000 likes and over 71,000 shares -- and rapidly became a household symbol to most Americans on Facebook.
The Supreme Court ruling was split between Justices Breyer, Sotomayor, Ginsberg, and Kagan siding in favor of marriage equality and Justices Alito, Thomas, Roberts, Scalia, and Kennedy opposing same-sex marriage. Justice Ginsberg first raised the issue during oral arguments, interrupting former Solicitor General Ted Olson to inquire, “Seriously guys, have you been on Facebook lately? Like, everyone is making it their prof pic lately.”
Justice Sotomayor next alerted her peers that #Equality, #UnitedForMarriage, and #AnalConsummation were all trending on Tumblr, Twitter, and Instagram in the past few days.
Justice Kagan additionally noted, “Remember that whole Chick-fil-A thing? That was dark. Let's not go there. Last thing I want is for protestors to start kissing in here.”
Although Justice Breyer could not be reached for comment, his press secretary did release a statement ensuring that the jurist felt like “Big Pimpin'” hanging out with all the Lady Justices.
The majority of the justices, however, were swayed by many of the points that came to light in the proceedings. When Justice Ginsberg showed the court her News Feed, Justice Scalia noted, “Half of these pictures aren't even the original one! I won't let my decision be swayed by a bunch of hipsters who only want what they can't have. Is that Jennifer Lawrence behind that one? Oh God, definitely not, we should discount all of these fake ones. I'm pretty sure there's something about that shit in the Federalist Papers.”
Justice Alito next brought up the point that had been permeating throughout the Justices' chambers: “Most of the people who supported my appointment are either too old or too stupid to use a computer, if they even get internet out where they live. I mean most of them still use VCRs. Some of them don't know DVD's exist, and the rest always tell me 'why should I get a video-CD to watch Inspector Gadget when my tape player works just fine.' So how can we trust this as a valid cross-section of the American populous?”
Justice Thomas continued to tell everyone that gay marriage would lead to a world where soon we would start marrying llamas and toothbrushes. “Am I the only one who has been listening to Rush Limbaugh in here? The institution of marriage is sacred, and I don't wanna start going to weddings for llamas. Llamas are the worst. So totally worse than some jackass asking his female co-worker if she put pubes on his coca-cola. Right guys?"
Justice Roberts mostly talked about how gays are nerds and should get beaten up like God intended.
“All that those gay nerds think about is Ryan Gosling's rock hard body, or how good Drake from Drake and Josh looked on that diving reality show last night, or how Kiara totally should have beaten Laura on the last season of ANTM despite what my wife says." Added the Chief Justice, "Yeah. Gays are the worst.”
Justice Kennedy, who most court-watchers dubbed a likely swing vote, sided with the conservative bloc, only noting, “I don't want Justice Roberts to hurt me. He has that scary look in his eye.”
While the ruling sparked hundreds of protests across the nation in favor of LGBT rights, the Justices remained unfazed. Justice Breyer had the final word on the issue, concluding his dissenting opinion, “Wait, how do you change your profile picture again?”