University Launches ShameRide Program for Post-Hookup Transporation
University officials announced on Friday that they will begin testing a new transportation system on campus for students embarrassed by their pathetic hookups.
The current service, SafeRide, assists Northwestern students in reaching their destinations safely and free of charge; however, surveys found that the app neglect a key demographic. The new ShameRide is designed for students departing their humiliating hookups at the wee hours of the night, even offering service until 8 a.m., peak walk-of-shame time.
“This is a wonderful opportunity for Wildcats who want to discreetly leave the people whom they’re ashamed to be fucking,” said Paul Smith, Transportation Director at Northwestern.
Smith surveyed Northwestern’s undergraduate population and found that 96 percent of sexually active students are humiliated by their sexual partners. The remaining four percent said their partners were “tolerable.”
The idea has already received wide praise from the Northwestern community. One sophomore, who preferred to remain anonymous, said that the app is perfect for any student having relations “with some gross rando.”
“I didn’t want anyone to know I’m hooking up with someone who lives in CRC, because that’s disgusting,” they said. “If my friends saw me stumbling out of there early in the morning, I don’t know what I’d do.”
Developers have conducted extensive background research to ensure that ShameRide performs satisfactorily, unlike most fuck buddies. Wait times will likely last between 5 and 20 minutes, adjustable depending on partner stamina. The most popular pick-up locations included CRC, your ex-boyfriend Cory’s house, Jones Residential College and the back alley of Barnes & Noble.
Despite popular claims that Northwestern students are socially awkward and unable to communicate with their romantic partners, Smith believes that the service will bolster students’ confidence.
“It’s what the kids need,” Smith said. “God knows it’s hard enough for them to get laid.”
The service will operate in a short radius of Northwestern’s Evanston campus. The radius may be extended to Loyola University Chicago for students ashamed of the local cesspool.