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UberKITTENS Promotion Goes Horrifically Wrong; Two Dead and Dozens Left Injured

UberKITTENS Promotion Goes Horrifically Wrong; Two Dead and Dozens Left Injured

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The reinstallation of the Uber promotion, UberKITTENS, took a turn for the worse on Thursday October 29th with forty-seven hospitalizations, two human deaths, and the distress of countless tiny little baby kittens in Uber’s failed attempt at partnering up with animal shelters across the country. The company never anticipated that fifteen-minute “snuggle sessions” with rescued felines could result in thousands of lawsuits and horrible publicity for the service. The most tragic event occurred in Miami when resident Bill Turner attempted to feed an orange tabby kitten into the paper shredder in his office at the DMV. “I needed an extra hand with the shredding and Uber made it clear that we could put them to work,” he told law enforcement officials. The clause Turner was referring to states, “Many people will want to test the kitten's skills so demand will be high (they are excellent paper shredders).”

In addition to the grave danger the kittens were placed in, there were multiple human hospitalizations and even deaths due to coworkers stunning each other and their bosses with the furry surprises in the office. Jonathan Roper, senior vice president of a small corporation in Atlanta went into anaphylactic shock when his assistant placed a kitten on his lap during a business meeting, and could not be saved in time by hospital personnel.

Less serious complaints and refusals to pay the $30 “snuggle fee” came mostly from various students on college campuses. Jori Schwartz, a junior at Tulane University in New Orleans, LA claims, “They didn’t even deliver kittens to us. They told us that due to high demand they were forced to catch strays on the street and bring in eighteen year-old cats from the shelters. They urinated and defecated all over my sorority’s furniture, destroying everything else in their path.”

Group of Students Unsure if Their Minion Costumes Ironic or Not

Group of Students Unsure if Their Minion Costumes Ironic or Not

Quiz: How Much Do You Like Chili?

Quiz: How Much Do You Like Chili?