Freshman Guide: Training All the Bunnies to Use a Tiny Bass Drum Just like the Energizer Bunny
For decades, Northwestern’s campus has been swamped with rabbits. Hundreds of students have tried to pet them, dozens have tried to catch them, and three have tried to raise a nightmarish army of them. But isn’t it fucking crazy that no one has tried to train them to use bass drums like the energizer bunny? That’s kind of wild, right? Here’s my proposal for the class of 2021:
1) Take out a loan of $185,760
This is a steal. There are over 5,000 rabbits on this campus, and they all need a bass drum, drum strap, and baby sunglasses. And you can’t expect the rabbits to pay (they don’t have a steady income). Stroll on over to the US Bank in Norris and refuse to leave until you get the money.
2) Purchase 5,160 tiny bass drums via Amazon Prime
Who would’ve thought that MuzikIsMyPassion43 would have 5,160 tiny bass drums for sale on Amazon? And that it would be included with prime? Order those suckers to Plex package center, and watch how fucking impressed the employees are when they realize you have 5,000 packages.
3) Return one tiny bass drum because Theodore is being DIFFICULT
Okay so, Theodore is really busting your balls. Something about “not wanting to be a cog in the capitalistic machine” and “these sunglasses don’t fit over my ears”. Don’t let this asshole deter you. You’ve got 5,159 other bunnies, and Theodore isn’t even that well liked anyway. He always hangs around North campus and is kind of a casual misogynist.
4) Train 5,159 Rabbits
5) Harness the Incredible Electrical Power of 5,159 Energizer Bunnies
This is the equivalent energy needed to power 100,000 light bulbs, 15,000 televisions, or one of those mini SustainNU cars. Hook those tiny little bunnies up to an extension cord, and watch as they solve the energy crisis right before your eyes. SustainNU will love that you’ve basically done their entire job for them.
Millions of dollars. A coveted Block 7 speech at Dance Marathon. At least twelve free water bottles. A feature on NU Catalogue.
Though you may only walk the hallowed halls of Fisk and Locy for four years, the drum echoes will continue for years afterward. Leave a real senior gift of 5,159 bunnies who learned how to drum but never learned how to stop.