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Top 9 Power Moves

Top 9 Power Moves

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Whether its Vladimir Putin or Ebola, one thing’s for sure: asserting your dominance is all the rage this summer. Haven’t had a chance to hop on this trend? Don’t know where to start? I got your back. Below: the top 9 power moves of the summer. 1. Sleeping in the aisle seat of an airplane

Let’s be real: if you choose to sit by the window, you are relinquishing your right to pee. Aisle seat friends: this move is particularly effective if you let out a little snore as the person who “loves the view” (Do you really enjoy staring at white powdery-looking shit for 3 hours, bud? Y/n you have a coke addiction and need help?) squirms in their seat. Can their bladder take it? Do you care? No, because you’re a cold motherfucker.

2. The word ergo

Ex. “You suck, ergo fuck yourself”

3. Playing Words with Friends in 2014

What’s that? Words with Friends isn’t cool anymore? Screw society. I just used the word “quaggy” and earned approximately 7 times more points than you earn dollars in an hour.

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4. Not brushing your teeth

Brushing teeth is for people who have time, and you ain’t got it. Fuck hygiene. And don’t waste your time on mouthwash. Shit’s for tryhards. Pop a piece of gum. Other people blow at life—you blow bubbles.

5. Not responding to a Facebook message

It’s like, you know that they’re going to see you read the message, and you’re still not responding? Shit. You just might be the man.

6. Eating samples at a froyo place but not actually getting froyo

Straight up gives me chills.

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7. Picking just one letter and texting it to a random hookup from the past year

Was it an accident? Did you mean to text them “f”? Were you drunk and having a crazy amount of fun? Was it a butt-text? Was it a desperate plea for help as you tumbled off a cliff? They’ll never know.

8. Going through a carwash not in neutral

Who knows what happens if you don’t put your car in neutral in the car wash? You could—you could be the one that knows.

9. Ending a sentence without punctuation

Who even are you

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Letter to the Editor From the Year 2155: Technology Is Ruining Our Children

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