Too Long; Didn't Read: Book Plots
Like most people, I’ve spent countless hours of my life reading. Damn, what a waste! Think of all the reality TV I could have been binging on instead. Reading level 7th grade-plus? Screw it! Luckily for you, dear reader, Lady Keystone doesn't want anyone else to suffer. Because this is the internet age, news comes in 140 characters or less and so should our literature. Here I present, Lady Keystone’s* TL;DR Book Plots.
Harry Potter TL;DR Orphan boy bangs best friend’s sister.
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe TL;DR Four siblings do not resort to cannibalism after getting trapped in a wardrobe for decades.
A Song of Ice and Fire (HBO’S Game of Thrones) TL;DR Things Jon Snow knows:
- Eating pussy
The Lord of the Rings TL;DR A small man and his gardener go on a road trip to return a piece of jewelry.
The Hunger Games TL;DR Girl on reality show pretends to love the baker in order to win a lot of food.
Twilight TL;DR Whiny teenager falls in love with pasty 108-year-old pedophile.
50 Shades of Grey TL;DR Rich man helps young college student find her clitoris.
Gone With the Wind TL;DR Beautiful woman is wanted by everyone except the guy who marries his own cousin. And then no damns are given.
Ender’s Game TL;DR A bunch of kindergarteners try to debug a video game and also kill each other. In space.
A Series of Unfortunate Events TL;DR A citrus man can’t figure out what happened to 3 orphans who probably perished in a Very Fiery Death.
The Fault in our Stars TL;DR Cancer. Okay? Okay.
The Giver TL;DR Sexually frustrated teenager can’t figure out why all his peers are color-blind.
The Great Gatsby TL;DR War veteran throws huge house parties to try and meet the neighbors, old sport.
Pride and Prejudice TL;DR When a pastor’s cousin won’t marry him, he settles for her old virgin best friend.
Eragon TL;DR The plots of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings had a baby. Plus Dragons.
1984 TL;DR Man learns to love his Big Brother.
Sherlock Holmes TL;DR Doctor may have survived war, but will he survive his new drug-addicted roommate? Tune in next week to find out!
Anne of Green Gables TL;DR Two old Canadians accidentally adopt a ginger.
Charlotte’s Web TL;DR Spider thwarts a pig’s destiny of becoming bacon.
To Kill a Mockingbird TL;DR Neighborhood hermit thwarts a child murderer, re-Hermitizes.
The Outsiders TL;DR A bunch of kids try to “stay golden” even though they’re covered in grease.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory TL;DR Man uses chocolate to lure children into his palace of midgets.
The Time Traveler’s Wife TL;DR Delusional wife constructs elaborate time-travel theory to explain why her husband constantly leaves her to show up naked around other women.
Little House on the Prairie TL;DR Family leaves Wisconsin for an even worse state, South Dakota.
The Scarlet Letter TL;DR Woman makes a fashion statement in Puritanical New England.
The Odyssey TL;DR: A bro gets lost and eventually gets home.
The Iliad TL;DR: A bunch of bros fight, then one bro dies and everyone is sad.
The Aenied TL;DR: The Odyssey, then The Iliad.
Catcher in the Rye TL;DR Phonies.
The Diary of Anne Frank TL;DR: [Removed by editors]
*Plus some magnificent contributions from Prince Giblets.
*Also some sub-par suggestions from Prince Giblets I decided not to include because
he sucks he's just way too clever for everyone else.