This Season’s New Trend: The Nipple Promise Ring

Hey everyone!! Jenny Talia here and I am SO excited to talk about this season’s HOTTEST NEW TREND: promise rings (with a super cute (titty) twist!!)

First of all, some context. We all know marriage is an antiquated tradition that reinforces heteronormative stereotypes and sadness. We all know these stereotypes are most often realized in the form of a man injecting himself with steroids and rubbing his body with ciabatta to prove he is indeed a breadwinner and an apron clad woman screeching, “don’t forget a sweater Jimmy!” over and over again until her vocal chords disintegrate. Yikes.

Thankfully, us millennials are smart enough not fall into that trap of despair and instead welcome more fluid and open – albeit complex – relationships. My friend Cyndy, as a matter of fact, is currently in an open polyamorous union with a squirrel, her mailman and the square of sidewalk in front of Mitt Romney’s house. She’s really happy.

While many young people these days are starting to steer towards more “unorthodox” relationships, others are still considering marriage. BUT, seeing as marriage can be such toxic union, couples need a test to help them determine whether or not they should be getting married… or if rekindling the fling they had with the FedEx guy’s boots would be a better life choice. SO, that is where this season’s HOTTEST NEW TREND comes in.

Conjoined. Nipple. Promise. Rings.

Such a cool idea right?

Here’s how it works: You and your sig-o each get a nipple pierced with the same ring.

This way (1) your nipples look really cute and (2) through this test you can truly know if you and your sig-o can withstand a lasting, institutionalized relationship.

Though most recommended for those in sado-masochistic relationships due to the extremely painful nature of being physically bound via a shared nipple rings, this new trend is finally making it’s way into mainstream practice.

For example, my friend Liz and her boyfriend Jason were at that precarious point in their relationship where they either had to get married or break up. They decided to try out a conjoined nipple promise ring to see if that would help tip the scale. Sadly, they broke up within five minutes of getting the piercing!! Jason tried to shake the dude’s hand who pierced their nips together and accidentally ripped Liz’s nip right off her tit! Needless to say, Liz ended things with Jason and has since become involved with Bella Thorne’s Snapchat Story and the Denver International Airport.

Conjoined nip rings will never fail to prove which select few couples will overcome the challenges of an antiquated monogamous relationship and those who, like sane humans, will rip their nip from their sig-o and love what/whoever they want instead.