#TheResistance: Don’t Just Vote, Suppress the Vote of Your Grandparents
There’s only one way to ride the blue wave from Kamala Harris’ foyer to the Capitol’s basement Sbarro: halt the slow-moving mass of arthritic voters that have injected misogyny, racism and homophobia into the American political zeitgeist: your grandparents. Move over Reaganomics— here are some 21st Century lies to tell your grandparents to make your vote stretch even farther in the midterm elections:
1. Their polling place has been moved to a Planned Parenthood
Ugh, this is going to be a DISASTER for Grandma Jo and Gramps! Apparently the Socialist Dems are up to their tricks again and moved their polling place to the one Planned Parenthood left in the state. AND in order to even receive a ballot when you arrive, you have to make a monthly contribution of at least $5 to women’s health services! How’s an old maverick like Gramps supposed to undermine women’s rights on the ballot when he’s supporting them financially?
2. “Vote-by-Mail” is now “Vote-by-Email” and DON’T get your Grandparents STARTED on E-MAILS
It was one thing for CROOKED KILLARY to send all of those ELECTRONIC MESSAGES about BENGHAZI over the WORLD WIDE WEB, but now the TAXES they ROBBED are being used to send BALLOTS ONLINE?” your Grandparents chant in unison over the droll of Fox News in the living room. Even if they manage to log into their joint Yahoo account, their paralyzing fear of being hacked will stop them in their tracks before they can CC the White House. Russian collusion might’ve been a liberal lie in their eyes, but Russians definitely have no one better to hack than two decrepit truthers.
3. Their local election commissioner is Joanne, the woman down the block who always signs up to bring plastic forks to the potluck and never shows up, forcing everyone to eat potato salad with their bare hands
If Joanne can’t be trusted to bring the plastic cutlery twice a year, how can she be trusted not to interfere with the ballots? Year after year, Grandma and Grandpa have had to serve their “famous” potato salad with their hands. That egg and mayonnaise blend just doesn’t taste the same when eaten from the sweaty palms of the same hands that voted against livable wages. And, unlike Donald Trump, Joanne is just someone whose indiscretions cannot be overlooked, so they’ll be casting a protest vote of the highest order: against Joanne.
4. New Voter ID Laws require them to sing the entirety of Ariana Grande’s “No Tears Left to Cry”
Arianators, unite! In an effort to bring more young stans to the polls, liberals have made strict voter ID laws that require eligible voters to sing all of “No Tears Left to Cry” by Ariana Grande. Voters not able to finish the song will be denied at the polls unless they are able to rank Grande’s exes based on relevance, all while rocking her signature high pony. Grandma’s emphysema prevents her from hitting those high belts before the beat drops, so her ballot will be voided before she can even say, “God is a woman.” As for Grandpa, his wig was snatched the second his senile ass confused “Sweetner” with “Yours Truly.” Thank u, next — bitch!