The Top Ten Reasons You And Your Girlfriend Are Going To Break Up

Bro it's not looking good bro 1. She’s no longer impressed by your ability to eat an entire Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready.

2. She doesn’t twerk for you anymore.

3. She still twerks, though.

4. She broke her phone and did not include you on her “Broke My Phone and Need New Numberz” group message.

5. She told you in the cafeteria line the other day that she actually was pretending to cry when you listened to Adele together.  You were never pretending.

6. She doesn’t send you winky-face emoticons anymore (see #4).

7. The mixtape you made her last year, “Jams For My Girl Pt. 1 :) :)” is conspicuously absent from her CD rack.  There is a new CD called “Chad Jams ’13.”  Your name is not Chad.

8. She’s not wearing her half of the Hello Kitty friendship necklace you’ve shared since that trip to Great America last year.

9. This dude on the football team keeps winking at you and giving you high fives that can only be described as condescending.

10. Her restraining order has been processed and is pending approval in the circuit court.

This Is Sober Privilege

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