So, it’s Saturday night. You’ve run out of tears to use as lubricant for masturbation things to watch on Netflix and you’re thinking, “Hey, I’m a College Student with Interests! Let me hit up some snazzy School of Communications kids for a wild night of debauchery.” Well, College Student with Interests, you’re not alone. It can be oodles of fun to party with The School of Communications! But, it can also turn into one clusterfuck of horrible decisions if you don’t recognize the warning signs. Here are some tips to get you through the night:
1. Make sure the only drink of the night is tequila. Successive, unchased shots of tequila. You must be thinking, “Tequila? But, what if I don’t want to be black out schwasted?” Wait till the Theatre majors start singing drunken renditions of hit Broadway musicals. Just wait.
2. Don’t let the Theatre majors pick the fucking party theme, because they will pick the fucking Great Gatsby. Do you even know how that book/terrible piece of shit movie ended? Jay Gatsby was murdered and so was America’s faith in Leonardo DiCaprio.
3. If you’re going to hook up, let the RTVF kids film for proof/blackmail. It’ll probably be the best movie they ever make, so at least give them the chance. Also, if you’re planning on hooking up with a Theatre boy, there are only three kinds: straight (the one percent), gay (the 99 percent), and the kind who are straight because their dads say they are (a really sad part of that 100 percent).
4. Since we’re drinking tequila by the bucket, leave a time slot in your night open for a drunken fist fight. Never, however, swing at a Performance Studies major. They made the choice to major in Performance Studies— they have nothing left to lose.
5. Party with the Communication Sciences and Disorders majors if you’re into things like chunky cocaine, the Plan B pill, and a three-nippled male midget hooker named Tootsie. You should remember them as the students of Communication Sciences and Disorderly Conduct. When you want to study science but are too lazy to enter Premed, you acquire more time to do rowdier shit.
6. Always, always, ALWAYS hook up with a Communication Studies major. They study the various methods of communication, otherwise how to communicate with their mouths or bodies. Let them communicate all over you. If he wants to show you his linguisdick skills, go for it. If she wants you to test out your cunnilinguistics skills, be a brave soul. Just know that they put the
cum com in Communication.