The Small Penis Rule
Every generation there comes an idea so powerful, so amazing, so ground-breaking that everyone in the world needs to be informed about it – and this is one of those times. I'm not talking about the shakeweight or even broccoflower. And no, I'm not talking about Gingrich’s moon colony (sorry Newt, but nobody would want you to be president there either). Today, I'll be discussing “The Small Penis Rule.” If “do unto to others as you would have them do unto you” is the Golden Rule, then the Small Penis Rule is the Platinum Rule, because this is the best fucking rule ever. The Small Penis Rule is the concept that you can libel any person you please by insulting a fictional character similar to the subject of your ire, as long as you say that the fictional character has a small penis. The logic follows that no man will claim that you are talking about him, because the man will not want to be perceived as the owner of a small penis.
If you are currently thinking, “Well golly Manua, I have quite the sizable trouser ferret,” you must think that this rule is beyond yourself (and really buddy? Trouser ferret? C’mon, let’s be a little more mature here).
The Small Penis Rule is amazing because of all its real-world applications. For example, it is a well-known fact that all Republicans have small penises (tax payments aren’t the only small thing Mitt Romney has). However, because none of them will admit to their physical and metaphorical shortcomings (Mitt Romney: I don’t really care about the poor… but my penis is huge), thanks to the Small Penis Rule you can now say whatever you like about them as long as you mention their teeny hum-diddlers!
Case in point: I know this guy named Lewt Kingrich. He’s a racist and ignorant assmunch of a philanderer hell-bent on destroying American politics for the benefit of his overwhelming narcissism, and he has a small penis. If any Republican candidate thinks this statement libels his character, please stand up and admit, "THAT'S ME! I'M THE GUY WITH THE SMALL PENIS!!!" That’s what I thought. The fact that a rule, CITED IN AN ACTUAL FUCKING LAWSUIT, can allow you to insult someone and get away with it for no other reason than because you said the person has a small penis is simply amazing.
However, you may be asking, “Manua, how does this rule help with discussing women folk, like the raging prohibitionist bitch known as Mayor Tisdahl?” Well, it didn’t…until now! I would like to propose what shall henceforth be known as "The Big Vagina Rule." It functions in a similar manner to the Small Penis Rule because, as one lady so eloquently put it, “I would not admit to having a huge floppy vagina.”
So next time you feel like libeling the person of your choice, remember the Small Penis Rule and the Big Vagina Rule and everything will be fine – it’s what the Founders intended when they created the free press!*
—————————————————————————————————————————— *It is a well-known fact that the actual Preamble to the Constitution read: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal… except King George and his disproportionately tiny penis.”
Note: Special credit for this article goes to one Señor Doho, for bringing the Small Penis Rule to my knowledge. He also has a small dingledong.