If you have the wild misfortunate of following The Ave on Twitter, you may have noticed that we enjoy the presidential debates. There’s nothing that livens a weekday night up more than seeing Jim Lehrer bound and gagged in his chair while Mitt Romney beats one of The Poors with a sock full of gold bricks and Barack Obama pukes up on himself. So when we heard there was another debate this week, we were thrilled. “Golly gee,” we though, in our best Tagg Romney impersonation, “what a swell chance this shall be to hear two esteemed gentlemen engage in the art of intellectual disagreement.”
Then we heard Joe Biden was involved.
It turns out that Thursday night’s debate is the VICE presidential debate. Never to be dismayed, we excitedly began waiting for Sarah Palin to wink at us in that special blend of “come hither” and “come any closer and I’ll shoot you from a helicopter” that only she can manage. Once again, we were brutally disappointed to discover that some bloke named Paul Ryan will be giggling at Uncle Joe instead.
See, apparently the GOP candidates is NOT required to pick Palin for veep after all! (Crazy, right?! Slike, why did Mack-daddy even acknowledge her heinousness then?) Our excitement thoroughly destroyed, we turned to America’s most favorite and least advisable coping mechanism: drank.
Sherman Ave is proud* to present the 2012 Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game:
Take a sip if…
- Paul Ryan discusses Medicare or entitlements (that means Social Security or Medicaid too, you fucking engineers).
- Joe Biden mentions his upbringing (that means childhood, you goddamn pre-meds).
- Moderator Martha Raddatz manages to effectively end discussion of a topic when time expires ONE FUCKING TIME.
- Biden gives Obama credit for the fact that GM is alive but Osama bin Laden is now one of the dead people.
- Paul Ryan blatantly contradicts himself (that means on the Simpson-Bowles debt commission plan, saving $716 billion in Medicare from overhead costs, rape exceptions on abortion, or like half of the shit Mitt Romney says he kind of supports but might not if other people don’t like it).
- Biden says “consecutive months of job growth,” “5.1 million new jobs,” or “7.8% unemployment.”
- Ryan says “fiscal responsibility,” “failure” or “Nancy Pelosi.” Three sips if he cannot bring himself to say Pelosi’s name.
- Biden forgets someone’s name, gets a date wrong, doesn’t realize he was asked a question, asks Ryan to get him some coffee, makes a joke about “a cup of Joe for Joe” after he asks Ryan for coffee, asks if he’s president yet, or reverts to talking about his wife because he can’t remember what the question was.
Take a gulp if…
- The moderator challenges Ryan to substantiate a claim.
- Ryan leaves Biden crying on his podium and asking if he may leave now.
- Biden forgets to wear a shirt.
- Ryan “forgets” to wear a shirt and starts rubbing his abs at the camera.
- Biden openly flirts with Raddatz.
- Ryan name drops Janesville, Wisconsin.
- Biden name drops Scranton, Pennsylvania.
- Biden and Ryan have a fistfight over whose blue-collar upbringing was tougher.
- Ryan mentions Ayn Rand.
- Biden says “you were a lot more ladylike in our last debate.”
- Ryan uses words that Biden doesn’t understand.
- Ryan says the middle class has been “buried” the last four years. Two gulps if he credits Biden with coming up with the line.
- Either candidate uses a clearly pre-prepared zinger.
Finish your drink if…
- Obama comes onstage to redeem himself.
- Bill Clinton comes onstage and euthanizes Biden.
- Ryan announces his 2016 candidacy.
- Biden points out that it was rude of Ryan not to ask if he could call him Joe.
- Ryan messes up an answer and just yells, “Yeah, well this bitch invited Obama to her wedding she probably like loves him or something I bet she kept an old Kleenex of his and is gonna do some weird African voodoo on it to make him like her.” Word for word.
- Big Bird eats Ryan alive on national television.
- The handshake at the end of the debate lasts more than 3.5 seconds.
*Horrified, ashamed and embarrassed.
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