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The Rock Is Named Nancy and She Feels Everything

The Rock Is Named Nancy and She Feels Everything

Listen up Northwestern “Artists.” The “Rock” that you all love to defile? Guess what? Her name is NANCY. And we know all of you pigs have it on your Northwestern “bucket list” to paint over her fragile body. Well, what about Nancy’s bucket list? Ever think of that? Of course you didn’t. Anyways, here are 11 sacred things about Nancy I just thought you should know.  

  1. She feels everything.

  2. She is our pet rock.

  3. She got us through our parent’s divorce.

  4. Do you think she gives a fuck about Alpha Phi heart health week? No. People draw hearts on her but she will never know what it’s like to be loved.

  5. Some mornings she craves the simple pleasure of a cold brew, but Brew Bike baristas don’t even turn to face her as they pump that sweet cinnamon sugar keg.

  6. She hears all the shit you guys talk from your little tents. She gets it James, you fucked a Kappa.

  7. She tries to sing to make her existence more bearable, but it’s hard to sing with lungs of stone.

  8. Nancy hasn’t slept since they put lights in the Kresge steps.

  9. Nancy is a staunch Republican and did not condone NU Sex Week.

  10. When tour groups walk by, Nancy screams hoping someone will hear. But the tour guides are trained to scream louder.

  11. She has learned to love the rain, because with the rain comes peace.

  12. She tries to move, but every inch of paint is like another shackle, cementing her to her prison.

  13. There’s not a “water fountain” inside of her, there’s a soul.

So now you know what the 24/7 live-stream footage won’t tell you: the rock, flaws and all, is just as deserving of respect as the rest of us. Maybe now you’ll think twice before adding on another layer of torture to our sweet Nancy.

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