The Official Sherman Ave Midterm Election Ballot Guide

The Official Sherman Ave Midterm Election Ballot Guide


It’s election time! No, you can’t vote for Hillary yet, but midterm elections are still… fun? For all of you first-time Evanston voters, here is a guide to some of the white people who are looking to run your state. A couple disclaimers…

  1. This guide only covers Senatorial, Congressional, and Gubernatorial elections. If you want to make sure you elect the most well-intentioned candidates as Commissioners of the Metropolitan Water Reclamation District, that’s your job, not mine.
  2. If this list in any way influences your ballot, you’re doing democracy wrong.



Richard J. Durbin, Democratdick

Zodiac Sign: Scorpio (Bold)

Something He Supports: The DREAM Act

A Truth: parts his hair to the left because fuck society

A Lie: Legit hasn’t stopped calling Obama since he left the Senate

High School Crush: Celine Dion

FMK: Fuck. Nothing turns me on like the sweet sound of a man on the mission to allow young immigrants into this country


James D. “Jim” Oberweis, Republicanjim ob

Zodiac Sign: Gemini (Adaptable)

Something He Supports: Reducing Government Spending

A Truth: Mentions Durbin 45 times on the “Jim on the Issues” page of his website

A Lie: Doesn’t actually drink Oberweis milk because it’s fucking expensive

High School Crush: Maggie Moo

FMK: Marry. I am not going to deny myself the Oberweis fortune.


Sharon Hansen, Libertariansharon

Zodiac Sign: Unknown… seems very Pisces-y (Unassuming)

Something She Supports: Liberty and shitty website design

A Truth: The following quotes actually appear on her front page: “I don’t know Jim [Oberweis]’s phone number,” and “Liar, Liar Dick on Fire!”

A Lie: Will definitely be elected to the US Senate

High School Crush: Ayn Rand

FMK: Kill. Nothing about the phrase “Dick on Fire” (see above) makes me want to be within spitting distance of this woman.


Representative, 9th District

Janice D. Schakowsky, Democratjanice

Zodiac Sign: Gemini (Adaptable)

Something She Supports: THE MIDDLE CLASS, BITCHES!

A Truth: Was inspired by both Nancy Pelosi’s policy making and haircut

A Lie: Uses Comic Sans to seem fun and quirky

High School Crush: Sting

FMK: Marry. I just want to argue about the future of my children with this woman.


Susanne Atanus, Republican suzy

Zodiac Sign: N/A—Taurus? Which Zodiac sign’s the ignorant one?

Something She Supports: Heterosexual Marriage

Some Truths: Blames tornadoes on Gay Rights, booted from Illinois GOP, got her B.A. in Political Science at Northwestern University

A Lie: Had a cornrows phase in high school

High School Crush: Rosie O’Donnell

FMK: KILL. If the GOP won’t touch her, why should I?



Pat Quinn, Democratpat

Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius (Philosophical)

Something He Supports: Jobs… Trees… #justgovernorthings

A Truth: One of only 3 of the last 7 Illinois Governors who hasn’t been imprisoned

A Lie: Throws legendary ragers in the Governor’s Mansion

High School Crush: OPRAH

FMK: Kill. I’m sorry buddy, Rauner’s got the money, Grimm’s got the looks, and you’ve just got the receding hairline.


Bruce Rauner, Republicanbruce

Zodiac Sign: Aquarius (Unorthodox)

Something He Supports: Getting Democrats to vote for him, bringing business to Illinois

A Truth: He has about a gazillion dollars

A Lie: Made that money by selling edible underwear

High School Crush: Maggie Thatcher

FMK: Marry. If I’m gonna hate myself for the rest of my life, I’d like to do so from my penthouse.


Chad Grimm, Libertarianchad

Zodiac Sign: Again Unknown, but definitely the hot one

Something He Supports: The Second Amendment

A Truth: Least electable, most fuckable

A Lie: His eyes literally make people’s hearts melt. It’s a problem. Seven people have died.

High School Crush: Flo from the Progressive commercials

FMK: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

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