The Most Disgusting Forms Of Animal Reproduction In Existence
For you, dear reader, I have destroyed my Google search history. You’re welcome.
Wasp spider: Extreme Cockblocking
We’re all familiar with the knowledge that female spiders tend to ingest their lovers after coitus. However, the male wasp spider takes the cake for Most Masochistic Sex Act On This Earth: after sex, he “plugs” the female’s vagina by snapping his own penis off, ostensibly to prevent other potential mates from getting any.
Let me summarize: With the understanding that he will be cannibalistically eaten immediately after losing his virginity in a 25-second sexual encounter,* he CASTRATES HIMSELF so that Babycakes can walk around with a severed dick up her vuvuzela. And they haven’t gone extinct yet.
Angler Fish: Kinda Clingy
Male angler fish are born as helpless as a freshman sorostitute at a pregame after Saferide hours. He has practically no vision, no digestive system, and no income since he got fired from Applebee’s. He can, however, smell well enough to sniff out female pheromones in the water. Once he finds one, he bites her. But instead of leaving her with a hickey and being on his way, he releases an enzyme that digests the skin of his mouth and her body, literally fusing their blood vessels together forever. He proceeds to wither away until he is a pair of gonads attached to a random part of her body which she will activate when she decides she wants to be preggers.
House Centipedes: Obviously Not Germaphobes
Here’s your boner-killer of the day: house centipede vaginas. As if centipedes aren’t gross enough, their reproductive methods are oddly similar to the sex life of our very own Doctor Tattersail. According to their mating ritual, the male centipede lays a “sperm packet” on the ground in front of a leggy blonde centipede. Then he harasses her by tapping on her legs (sometimes for hours) until she stuffs it up her vag. After the deed is done, he warbles Aaron Carter’s top hits of the 90’s until she falls asleep snuggled cozily in his arms and legs.
Pandas: Into Furries and Porn
Pandas in captivity have basically no sex drive whatsoever. So zookeepers show them panda porn. And then they get it on.
Here, I’ll give you a moment to create awful mental images of “panda porn” might look like. Afterwards, think about your parents having sex. Oh, and you just lost The Game. Is your brain broken yet?
Snakes: More Manly Than You
Are you ready for this?
MALE SNAKES HAVE TWO PENISES. ALL OF THEM HAVE TWO PENISES. I’M SORRY SNAKES BUT YOU’RE ALREADY PHALLIC PENISES ARE UGLY YOU DON’T NEED TWO OF THEM I GIVE YOU MY WORD AS A CHICK THAT ONE IS PLENTY.
When you’re done feeling inferior (men) or grossed out (women), here’s another weird thing about snake sex: it’s a tourist attraction in Canada. No, but actually. When the female red-sided garter snake, common in Manitoba, comes out of hibernation, she releases a pheromone that attracts hundreds of male snakes AS IF THERE WEREN’T ENOUGH PENISES ON JUST ONE. The male snakes then immediately rush her like she was a hot drunk theater major in a bootyskirt at the Keg, creating a giant ball of snake orgyness. And then the Canadians go watch.
See? Sausagefests aren’t always a bummer.
Ducks: Corkscrews Aren't Just for Wine Anymore
*Humans will find the previous eight words to be the most relatable sentence in this article.