The Five Types of People You’ll Meet When You Meet People
Maybe you’re the kind of person who likes to hit the town and rub elbows with the fellow movers and shakers of the world. Maybe you’re the kind of person who prefers to stay inside as often as humanly possible, your only remaining contact with the outside world accidental eye contact with the mailman as you watch him deliver you packages of dehydrated milk through your blinds. Maybe you’re not a person at all, but rather an object that has gained sentience and then chosen to use its newfound consciousness to fuck around on the Internet. Regardless, human interaction is unavoidable, and between the moment you are born and the moment you finally accept Death’s sweet embrace you’re bound to meet somebody. Here are the five options of whom that person could be.
- People Named Derrick
As soon as you meet someone and hear that his (or her) name is Derrick, you know what you’re in for. Classic “Derrick moves” include turning around when someone says “Derrick,” “Eric” or “barracks,” responding with anger and surprise when hit and laughing at jokes, but only funny ones.
- People Who Are Scared of Snakes
When someone’s afraid of snakes, you can just tell. They avoid Florida swamplands and turning over strange rocks, can’t stand Nicki Minaj’s smash hit “Anaconda” and disparage your sexy new snakeskin pants. Getting someone that is afraid of snakes to hike through the Amazon Rainforest with you is downright impossible so don’t even try it. It’s no use attempting to help these ophidiophobes through aversion therapy either- bring a python around your snake-fearing friend and expect to hear something along the lines of “get that fucking snake out of my face.”
- Cat People
Cat people are simply me-owt of this world! They think their furry friends are the purrfect companions. If you bad-mouth cats in front of a cat person, expect cat-astrophic results that will leave you feline blue. Cat people also tend to gloss over the fact that owning a cat means having a box of literal shit somewhere in your living space- but that’s a small price to pay for a pet that’s the cat’s pajamas! Right? Right?
- People Who Are Allergic To Chocolate
Also known as “People Who Ruined The Shit Out Of Birthdays In Elementary School,” people who are allergic to chocolate tend simply to be sadder than regular people. Steer clear of them if you’re not into melancholy.
- Bald People
Some people are bald by choice, some people are bald because time and genetics have robbed them of the head of hair that they foolishly believed was their birthright and some people are bald for health reasons. No matter what, they do not want you to touch their heads, so don’t fucking ask. Moisturizer recommendations, hats, and how they’re really doing today are all good things to ask bald people about.
And that’s it!