The Best Places to Masturbate on Campus
Winter Quarter is upon us, fellow Wildcats, and with the temperature alternating daily between "Cold enough to cause penises everywhere to recede into body cavities" and "33 degrees," odds are your roommates are gonna be spending a lot of time in the room. You know?
But regardless, you're gonna need a place to do your business. I get that. Luckily for you, old Uncle Samwise has been around the block a few times and knows EXACTLY what you're looking for. With these handy tips (lol handy tips) about where to beat it, you'll be warming up campus with your hot semen until May!
A no-brainer, honestly. They allow you to rent whole ROOMS to have to yourself for up to three hours. Yeah granted, the walls are made of glass and everyone can see exactly what you're doing, but what are the engineers REALLY gonna do? It's probably the hottest thing they've seen in their entire lives.
Your Roommate's Bed
"Dude what do you want, I'm trying to watch House of Cards. Seriously this isn't funny man WAIT WHAT THE FUCK STOP DUDE GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME."
Two-Hundred Person Lecture Hall
So anonymous, so private. C'mon, who would even know it was you?
You know which one. With the hot TA you've been trying to hit on all quarter except you haven't been trying to hit on her at all because you're a pussy? That's the one! Just wait until she's deep into a discussion about the nanostructure of organic polymers, lock eyes with her and whip it out. Works every time, TRUST me.
This one admittedly might be a little more personal. Something about the smell of orange peel and vomit just gets me off.
The CTA Red Line
I mean, everyone else does it. Why can't you? Just pick the right car, hop on and get off! If ya know what I mean hahahahahaha.
The sign at the entrance says it's now a "collaborative zone for quiet study groups," so for this one I believe you'll need to bring a friend. I'm not totally sure about that yet, I'm still waiting on an email back from the Dean of Libraries.