Halloweek is finally here, which means you have just enough time to get your costumes in order! That’s the good news. The bad news? If you’re reading this article or this site, you are almost certainly an inherently bad person. Which means you’re probably coming up with bad, annoying, douchey ideas. Right about now, you’re probably thinking “Oh, but I’m hilarious and awesome and people like me!!” Not only does that make me want to cyberbully you, but it forced me to put together this list of The Worst Topical Costumes of Halloween 2013, which you’re probably already planning to wear:
- Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke. Hey, not everyone has even a modicum of individuality or creativity. Some folks are perfectly happy to not just be part of the crowd, but to follow literally three fucking months behind the crowd. These people will be dressed as Miley (hair in two stupid buns and depressing excuse for an ass all out and about) and Robin (Beetlejuice suit and sunglasses on, plus maybe a sad-looking Alan Thicke trailing behind and shaking his head). These are the people you can be part of. These are the people you can identify with. With just one costume you can announce to the world that you’ve decided to shut down all cognitive function. All you need is a foam finger.
- The government shutdown. Let’s just go ahead and put the kibosh on this one right now. How do you even do this costume? A sad looking Capitol Hill outfit? Dress up as a furloughed worker? Go in a group as a bunch of bickering politicians all being funded by the same two billionaires? No matter what you choose, you’ll spend the whole night explaining your costume to everyone, and that conversation will go like this: Person A: “So, what’re you dressed as?” Person B: “I’m the government shutdown!” Person A: “Oh… haha. Bye.”
- Heisenberg. This was a fantastic Breaking Bad costume option any of the last three or four years. You could have been way ahead of the curve, kind of ahead of the curve or just squarely on the curve. But this year, not only are you opting to be about 12 months too late, but you’re also reminding everyone that the only thing that mattered in life has now ended. And while I’m always for a nice group meltdown/sob-session, what if we just took Halloween off from that this year? Maybe? Kgr8thnx.
- What Does The Fox Say? Hahah!! Like from Internet!!! Video!!! You-Tube!! No.
- Jersey Shore. It’s not yet “ironic.” It’s not yet “retro.” It’s still shameful. And until we as a nation have apologized for 2009, you should not feel comfortable wearing this costume.
- Aaron Hernandez. This one I understand a little more. Halloween is supposed to be a time to dress up in the scariest thing you can imagine, and the man is ~allegedly~ responsible for somewhere between one and infinity murders, so that’s fair. But your options here are either to just wear his jersey and basically just admit that you’re not even gonna try and it’s probably because you don’t have a whole lot to live for and wow that got real dark real quick, or do the white t-shirt-hands-behind-your-back thing and spend the whole night asking other people to pour the alcohol on your mouth. And either way this is another costume nearly guaranteed to be met with a “what are you?... who’s that?... oh, did that just happen? oh…cool” conversation from those who don’t follow the NFL Players Who Shot People To Death beat on SportsCenter.
- Blackface. You’d THINK I wouldn’t have to include this one. You’d be wrong.
Now that you know how not to royally fuck up #Halloween2013, you’ll need to find a new costume. Yeah, your Milesenberg Foxnandez is probably not gonna cut it. But we can help here too! We have ideas! We’re fun! Wear these things! They’re The Best Topical Costumes of Halloween 2013!
- Edward Snowden: The Costume: You go out wearing glasses and looking burdened, tired and disgruntled despite your youth (if you've taken a midterm recently, this should be fairly simple. Hell, most of you are probably already suited up). . The Shtick: At whatever party you go to, tell everyone all the secrets you know about everyone else there. People love the truth. It’ll be a hit. But after you spill the beans be sure to leave and go somewhere Russian where no one can find you (i.e. go sit alone in a closet and drink Smirnoff until people stop caring about where you are).
The Costume: The Snapchat icon (named Ghostface Chillah – thanks, Wikipedia) is an adorable white ghost. You should wrap yourself up in a white sheet and just for good measure throw on a white hood with eye-holes cut out. It’s even better to do this with a group, get the gang together and you guys can all march down Sheridan together. Camaraderie!
The Shtick: Start this costume off with about 8 shots of tequila. Get a little nutty. Let it all hang out. Then for the rest of the night just intermittently pop in and out of your friend’s lives for 5-10 seconds at a time. These rapid fire encounters should start out lively as hell, showing off what a great time you’re having (although in this version of Snapchat your state school friends won’t get to see that bitchin #college keg stand you just witnessed. Bummer!), but inevitably they’ll fizzle to you showing up incredibly disoriented and eventually passed out on someone’s floor. Winner!
- Divergent The Costume: Don’t have a clue. Books are for squares. Sherman Ave doesn’t read, we’re too busy with night terrors and crushing loneliness slaying pussy. Maybe it’s about maps? . The Shtick: Go as the year’s upcoming book to movie to high school basement hookup background noise. To pull this one off you’ll need to be followed and obsessed over by a group of 11 year old girls and the one weird, lonely aunt on your dad’s side for most of the night. Sooo. Go for it?
- The Purge The Costume: No clothes. IT’S THE PURGE! . The Shtick: No schtick. IT’S THE MOTHERFUCKIN PURGE!!!! . Note: Despite months of requests, no one has been interested in a Purge themed event. If you are, notify me, arrangements will be made.
- Sir Edward Twattingworth III and Elder Tickles