1. John Smith?
You know his face because he’s always around. He also calls you by name, asks you how you are and how that history test went the other day. You can’t be totally sure, but you may have met him during Welcome Week freshman year. Just smile and nod when he approaches because let’s be honest you don’t know his name. Was it John? Matthew? Mark? Maybe Luke? Okay now you’re just naming biblical figures. Just smile and nod.
2. The Bro
Lax shorts? Check. Snapback? Tilted and on backward. Drinks? In both hands. This frat star doesn’t limit his beer chugging to just Monday/Thursday/Friday/Saturday, so you can catch him throwing some back pretty much everyday of the week. Don’t be surprised if he only gives you a couple of minutes of his time, he just knows everyone at the party because he is alcoholic social.
3. The Creep
Don’t panic, this guy is just that weird 805 area code that texts you fun things like ‘rager,’ ‘totally sick,’ ‘alcohol’ and ‘can’t wait to see you ;)’. That’s just because he’s been drinking since 6:30. He’s been asking you if you’re going to come to his party all night, and look at you - you’re there! Now that’s all you owe him so don’t let him show you the “super fun not weird attic” because remember he’s about 9 shots deep at this point.
4. The Overeager Pledge
“Yes, I know where the bar is.” “No, I’m not a freshman.” “No, I don’t live in Hinman.” He’s just trying to prove himself okay give the guy a break. Maybe he has asked you where you live four times and also what clubs you joined and why you like them. He may or may not be asking what professors you recommend and pros and cons of each—but he doesn’t know better. He only sucks because he can’t help it. Just pretend to listen to his recollection of that one totally sick party. Remember John Smith and smile and nod. Wait what? Did he just suggest taking shots? Wait this guy rocks. Go follow him.
5. The Guy Who Just Doesn’t Want Campus Police to Come
“Turn down the music.” “But there’s no music on.” “I just don’t want the Campus Police to come.” Okay we get it. You hate fun. But don’t ruin everything for everyone. The worst problem is that this guy isn’t even a Risk Manager. He just hates fun. But don’t let him get you down, keep mixing peppermint Schnapps and chocolate sauce until you can’t remember which frat you are in because YOU don’t hate fun! You actually like college and people! Fuck the police and tell that guy to shut up because you are the drunk and you know better. Duh.
- Hudson River