Supreme Court Announces End of Morality
In a controversial 5-4 decision this week, the Supreme Court announced the end of morality, and with it, the complete destruction of the nuclear family structure. With the invalidation of Proposition 8, as well as the 1996 federal DOMA bill, the Highest Court has decided to allow California to continue its decline into wretched hedonism, while simultaneously opening the floodgates of sin across the entire nation.
Speaking for the court majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy had this to say: “The age of Christian ethics is over. Now, all is free. Now all people can declare marriage to whomever or whatever they choose. Man and man. Man and dog. Man and chair. The sacred act of marriage has been permanently corrupted, so go forth, ye ravenous fools, and marry all that you see!”
Edith Windsor, the 84-year old woman who first brought the case to the Supreme Court, seemed quite satisfied with the court’s decision. “Yesss… good. With DOMA out of the way, there is nothing left to stop us from converting every last moral, Christian, and heterosexual human into the gnarled grasp of homosexuality,” she cackled ominously.
Though the SCOTUS did not rule on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage, it did open the door for corrupt, devil-worshipping politicians to sneak gay marriage legislation past the watchful eye of the nation’s moral guardians. “I think I shall bury it in the Medicare budget. Or perhaps, in a nationwide ban on Bibles. Muahahaha!” said Tammy Duckworth, Democratic Representative of Illinois.
In other news, lascivious homosexuals are also preparing for the Chicago Pride Parade, which is expected to be particularly energetic this year. Rumors abound of a guest appearance by Satan, the Prince of Darkness, who will lead the parade through the city, setting unquenchable fires wherever he goes, and beginning the Seven Years of Darkness which herald the end of the world. Authorities are cautious, but admit that it will be a welcome reprieve after Friday’s Blackhawks Championship Parade.