Support the Sherman Ave Foundation to Save Amanda Bynes!
With winter quarter having finally been KILLED WITH FIRE, you can all kick back and enjoy a worry-free life, right? Wrong. So wrong. Each and every one of you should be very worried, for American treasure and voice of a generation Amanda Bynes is in need of some serious fixing. Not some minor tweaking, like your self-esteem as a Northwestern student or season one of Parks and Rec; no, this is an all-hands-on-deck fiasco, like Will.i.am. or Cher’s Twitter. A new Greatest Generation must rise to confront this challenge if we are to save Amanda from her tailspin and discover who the real Moody is.
As you are all aware, our Amanda’s troubles have been building for some time now. In retrospect, her “retirement” from acting in her early twenties should have been a red flag, but the idea of being 24 and retired is so fucking cool that no one really bothered to question it. Amanda had also seemed to be so genuinely talented and likable, like post-Cady Heron and pre-Herbie: Fully Loaded-era Lindsay Lohan, that she could do no wrong; her popularity, much like Amber’s, simply could not be denied.
Unlike most retirees, though, Amanda did not find peace; rather, she began a meltdown that failed to capture the sheer intensity of Britney, the sadness of Demi, or the “how in the fuck are you not dead yet no seriously how are you still standing” amazement of Lindsay, leaving her alone to flail, crash her car a few times, and get a DUI that she tried to get out of BY TWEETING AT BARACK OBAMA AND ASKING HIM TO FIRE HER ARRESTING OFFICER. The girl who pioneered the art of infiltrating a movie studio years before Maeby Funke ever gave it a try was reduced to playing both Dick Cheney and Scooter Libby (look it up) and begging the President over social media for a pardon (My disappointment in Mr. Obama for not granting said pardon is a story for another article). The girl was crying out for help, and the people didn’t answer!
Faced with the shameful indifference of fans, Bynes has stepped up her hot mess routine of late. First, she tweeted this photo of herself, ravaged by plastic surgery that has left her looking about as fresh-faced and genuine as a Grand Theft Auto prostitute:
Then, she took to her Twitter feed, already a bastion of heinousness, and took it to the next level by publicly asking Drake to “murder her vagina,” a request that he DAMN WELL BETTER FULFILL, as I can’t handle the disappointment of both the President and Mr. Drizzy neglecting Amanda’s needs.
The evidence is undeniable, then, that Ms. Bynes is indeed suffering from the storied celebrity breakdown that has claimed so many of her peers. I know that you love Amanda, that you want Amanda to keep thriving and doing the totally-not-self-indulgent act of playing her own stalker. You have no doubt asked yourself, “What can I, a mere college student, do to save an icon of Amanda’s caliber?”
Well, fear not, my friends, because thanks to the Sherman Ave Foundation to Save Amanda Bynes, you, too, can be part of the solution! With TKOE shutting its doors, I know that you all have money to burn, and what better way to burn that cash than to throw it at your favorite publication’s attempt to rescue a comedic gem from falling into the shadows with Kel Mitchell and Lori Beth Denberg?
Friends, this is a critical time for Amanda Bynes. What we do now will determine the course of an icon’s life, and whether she stays afloat. When the final chapter on Amanda Bynes is written in the history books, do you really want to look into the eyes of your grandchildren and tell them that you let this moment slip by? That you failed to have the back of an actress who was there for you, every single day after school? I, for one, could not live with that guilt, and I know that you cannot either. That is why I ask you-nay, implore you-to contribute all that you can to the Sherman Ave Foundation to Save Amanda Bynes. On behalf of an unknowingly grateful Amanda Bynes, we thank you for your time and for your donation.
Sincerely, Sherman Ave