Suck It, World: What The United States Winning the Olympics Means For Us

Aug 13

Aug 13 Suck It, World: What The United States Winning the Olympics Means For Us

Well it’s all said and done, folks. Medals have been won, dreams have been crushed, and a nation that doesn’t understand the concept of basic dentistry has successfully hosted the biggest sporting event in the world. All of these are fine and dandy, but we all know there’s only one important thing to be acknowledged about the Olympics: The United States won! Let me repeat that: THE UNITED STATES WON THE OLYMPICS! EVERYONE FROM EVERYWHERE THAT ISN’T THE BEST COUNTRY EVER CAN SUCK IT! USA! U-S-A! U-S-A!

You may be thinking, “What does America winning the Olympics mean to me? I’m sorry but the Olympics are over and it’s time to stop pretending the shot put affects my patriotism.” However, America winning the Olympics means several important things for Americans and non-Americans everywhere. Here are some of the most important ramifications of the United States winning the Olympics:

1. You Can Now End Any Argument With A Non-American With One Word for the Next Four Years: After slipping up and allowing China to lead the gold medal count in 2008, The United States has reclaimed its rightful position atop the gold medal chart and overall medal count, meaning that we have reclaimed our spot at the top of the world. We are officially better than everyone at everything so it’s time to relish in our power with the greatest word in the Winner’s Dictionary: Scoreboard. If you’re an American, it’s time to start some arguments with non-Americans – because you automatically win. If you’re a non-American and think this is wrong, well…scoreboard. #srryntsrry

2. The Super Gold Medal It’s a well-kept secret that the country that wins The Olympics actually receives a final medal: The Super Gold Medal. Yes, at the end of every Olympic Games, the athletes from every country that didn’t win that year’s Olympics are forced to turn in their medals which are then melted and turned into the world’s biggest medal. That medal is then fully plated in gold and given to whichever country won that year’s Olympics. So although you will never see it or have any sort of evidence that this is true, you can take solace in the fact that the only people leaving London with medals are Americans and the United States will soon be in possession of the biggest gold medal in the world.

3.Barack Obama Will Win The 2012 Election I know this may seem like a stretch, but by America capturing first place in total gold medals and total overall medals at the London Olympic Games, our boy Barry has ensured that he should win the 2012 election. Yes, thanks to this victory, our country will be ensured another four years of hope, progress, and humanness in the White House (though it may be deprived of some beautiful hair). You may be asking, “How is this so, Manua?” Well Mr. Imaginary Questioning Man, one simple reason: Scoreboard. Let’s just take a look:

Number of Olympics Brought to America:

Obama: 0 Mitt Romney: 1

Number of Olympics Won Thanks to Support:

Obama: 1 Mitt Romney: 0

Number of Osama Bin Laden’s Killed:

Obama: 1 Mitt Romney: 0

Number of Michelle Obama’s Married:

Obama: 1 Mitt Romney: 0

I think the numbers speak for themselves. Congratulations, Barack.

4. America Do there really need to be more reasons? We won the fucking Olympics! THE OLYMPICS! An event that only happens every two years and is only exciting every four years (sorry Winter Olympics, I’m sure skeleton is super cool and all, but I just can’t find enjoyment in something that’s waspier than a Romney-Ryan campaign bus). We won the Olympics so it’s time to celebrate because America!