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Study: Hundreds of Lovers Chasing "One That Got Away" Now Stopped By TSA

Study: Hundreds of Lovers Chasing "One That Got Away" Now Stopped By TSA

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A new study commissioned jointly by United and American Airlines has found that hundreds of men per year are detained by TSA agents as they try to leapfrog security in an attempt to stop the girl they let get away just before she boards a plane to elsewhere.

The move, colloquially known as "Love Actualling," was made popular after the 2003 movie featured a scene where a young, adorable boy, aided by known dangerous man Liam Neeson, successfully hops the security line to tell the girl of his dreams that he likes her before she leaves.

Real life, as thousands of men have found in the last twelve years, is unfortunately nothing like the movies.  Interviews from the study tell the stories of dozens of TSA agents from around the country who have had to tackle, detain and vigorously strip search love-struck men who were hoping to right their wrongs.
"Listen, we've all wanted to Love Actually at some time or other," said security agent Clyde Fowler of Raleigh-Durham airport, whose hand was literally inside a strip-search victim during the interview, "but in today's travel world, it's just not practical."

"I mean, one guy had a full bouquet of flowers in a vase." said Fowler as he further plumbed his victim's drug-hiding spots. "Do you know much liquid can be stored in a vase?? And he had his shoes on! I mean, c'mon. We're not heartless, but we're not stupid."

The ten-year study reported that over 800 relationships had been ended because of TSA policy, and that a lack of Love-Actualling had led indirectly to 212 divorces.

"It's not fair, man," said 31 year old Joe Cochran, who is currently 6 months into a 2-year sentence at Rikers prison for Love-Actualling at La Guardia International Airport, "I just wanted to show my girl I had finally cleaned up my act, just in time. I was expecting cheers! But now I'm here, because I allegedly 'drop-kicked a cop.'"

The study, sponsored by the American Film Institute and Al Qaeda, hopes that the results will convince the TSA to loosen travel restrictions.
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