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Student Playing Guitar in Public Really Hoping People Pay Attention

Student Playing Guitar in Public Really Hoping People Pay Attention

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At press time, Ellis was reportedly looking wistfully into the distance, appearing not to care if anyone took notice. OXFORD, OH - This Saturday, freshman Jacob Ellis was reportedly spotted sitting outside of his residence hall playing hit Oasis song “Wonderwall,” waiting for someone to take notice. During the first week of school, Ellis drew in attention of all the girls, playing the same song over and over again like a collegiate pied piper. “It was almost hypnotic” several sources reported, “All who saw the guitar were instantly pulled in by his spell, until people realized that he was just fishing for attention.”

When the decrease in females began, Ellis reportedly would stand up and follow groups of kids with his guitar, forcing them to listen to his rousing rendition of “Wonderwall” while sensuously whispering “I play the guitar.” Recent reports, though, have shown that he has elevated this behavior to simply rolling around in the grass screaming “I’M YOUR WONDERWALL.” When asked about about he felt, Ellis replied “Sometimes I sit out there for hours, playing a few notes when people pass by so they notice me. I’m so desperate, I may even be forced to learn a new Oasis song.” At press time Ellis was seen frantically trying to learn Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours.” The world will just have to see if this hard work and dedication towards getting attention will pay off for him.

An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2020

An Open Letter to the Northwestern Class of 2020

Heroic Student Successfully Gives Roommate the Impression That She Was Not Masturbating

Heroic Student Successfully Gives Roommate the Impression That She Was Not Masturbating