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Student Excited to Return Home to Completely Sentient Laundry Machine

woman-basket-laundry-14043134 NAPERVILLE, Ill. – Upon the completion of his winter exams, sources reported that Northwestern student Alex Levey (Weinberg, ’17) was incredibly excited about the prospect of returning home to his father; younger sister; and completely mobile, breathing, and absolutely sentient two-in-one washer-dryer unit.

“Man, I’ve just missed it so much,” Levey commented, “The washers and dryers at college are just shit.  But at my house, not only does my washer-dryer clean my clothes for free, but it also makes me lunch and dinner too.

“I don’t know how I’d get my clothes clean at home without it.”

Levey’s 1961 washer-dryer model, which is voice activated, is also able to gather the clothing from the floor of Levey’s bedroom, Levey’s bathroom, or wherever else Levey may choose to leave his dirty laundry.  Additionally, the model has the ability to clean dirty dishes; shop for groceries; and create human life within itself from only a small splattering of white gunk, nurture, feed, and protect that life inside itself for months, and then remove the watermelon-sized vessel of vitality from itself through a hole slightly smaller than a walnut.

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