Straight Woman Kisses Sorority Sister At Pride, Ends Homophobia
BREAKING – Boystown, Chicago – Kelsey Dunham, philanthropy chair of Kappa Kappa Carrot sorority at Westnorthern University, has just single-handedly ended homophobia by Instagramming a picture of her kissing her roommate on the mouth.
Captioned “#friendsordating? #keepemguessing! #loveislove,” the picture immediately flipped the Earth on its axis, set fire to the Westboro Baptist Church, and disintegrated CupcakKe’s entire wig collection. Nearby protestors began dousing themselves in glitter and voguing in response to the groundbreaking post, which retroactively launched a boulder the size of Elton John’s piano at the Stonewall Inn.
Dunham, who identifies as straight but sometimes feels “like there’s a sassy gay man trapped inside me,” will receive her own float in next year’s parade, flanked by the remaining members of the cast of Glee. Says Dunham, “I’m totally straight, except I’m also totally lesbian for Ruby Rose.”
Dunham is reported to have binged all of Queer Eye in less than a week, and has never been into the city sober.
Kelsey Dunham: the ally we didn’t know we needed, and also didn’t ask for. Seriously, no one asked.