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SPAC Unveils New Changes, Hoping to be More Inclusive of Lazy Pieces of Shit 

SPAC Unveils New Changes, Hoping to be More Inclusive of Lazy Pieces of Shit 

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Just months after reopening the doors of SPAC, NU Athletics announced that the gym would undergo a second update with the purpose of increasing accessibility to students of varying levels of cleanliness and life purpose. The proposed changes follow a scathing guest column in last Wednesday’s Daily Northwestern, which criticized the team at SPAC for perpetuating a “culture of fitness” inside its walls and urged them to pursue greater inclusion of all of NU’s neglected “greasy-faced lard-asses.”

Indeed, tales of student frustration regarding SPAC are everywhere you look, especially if “everywhere you look” is the bowels of BK on a Friday in the late afternoon.

We chatted with Senior SESP student, Michael Chaps, who said that while the thought of exercising at SPAC had crossed his mind dozens of times, from what he had heard it still didn’t have the services to meet his specific needs. Chaps, who has suffered from chronic cramping in his right hand “ever since middle school,” specifically called out SPAC for the poor wifi reception in its restroom stalls.

Chaps isn’t alone in his disappointment. Freshman undeclared Jay Baker said that despite not having showered in weeks, he had actually worked up the determination to visit the newly redesigned complex during his mandatory Wildcat Welcome campus tour. Jay left SPAC with a lot of existential questions he didn't really care enough to ask himself.

“Everyone on those treadmills was in such a rush, what emotional demons were these people running from? Am I the only sane one here?” he asked sweatily as we backed away.

Administrators at NU Athletics insist that they are hearing students concerns and are making changes to really "redefine what it means to be physically active."

"I think we were originally so focused on creating a world-class gym for our Wildcat athletes that we forgot about the needs of the worst our school has to offer," Jane Myers, director of operations at the Henry Crown Sports Pavilion and Aquatic Complex, said.

Students can look forward to new classes at SPAC including “Beginners getting out of butterfly chairs," “Introduction to mouse scrolling" and "Wii bowling troubleshooting.”

University officials are pleased to see SPAC living up to NU's mission of promoting inclusion and diversity on campus and hope to see SPAC turn into a melting pot of physical fitness, filth, and indifference when it reopens next spring.

A timetable for when students can expect to see the new changes has yet to be made public, but Myers told us exclusively that SPAC was already in the development phase for replacing the new juice bar with a more approachable combination Orange Julius/Dairy Queen.

 

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