Sorry, Dumb Ass, Girl Carrying New Yorker Tote Bag is Just Better Than You

Sophomore Alice Williams carries her New Yorker tote all over campus. She got it with her New Yorker student subscription. She reads The New Yorker. She’s really fucking smart.

You probably don’t have a subscription to The New Yorker. You probably only read The Odyssey and Total Frat Move. You’re an idiot. Unlike Alice Williams. 

It’s not your fault that you’re an uncultured boar. But you are. You don’t have a New Yorker tote bag. You just don’t “get” it.

Williams came to college and met other people who “get” it. They all carry New Yorker tote bags. They don’t go to frat parties on Saturday nights. They discuss Sartre and drink red wine. They don’t think red wine is gross. Because they’re better than you.

You don’t understand The New Yorker cartoons. They are too sophisticated for your brash, unevolved sense of humor. But Alice Williams does. She finds them quite jocose.

Williams brings her New Yorker tote bag to the farmers’ market on Sundays. She brings her hot Australian boyfriend. She buys bespoke asparagus and quinoa jam. You’re single and you have never owned a vegetable in your damn life. 

Even if you simply bought a New Yorker bag on the internet, you wouldn’t really “own” it. We both know you’re not going to buy a subscription. You don’t even know how to read. 

There’s two types of people in this world: people who deserve New Yorker tote bags and people who don’t. Those in the latter category deserve reusable Home Depot bags that have dirt and old basil in them. They have been sitting in the trunk for years.

You go to a “smart” school but that doesn’t really mean anything. You can major in quantum mechanics or design a prosthetic leg but still not exude that je ns sais quoi required to own a New Yorker tote bag. The next time you encounter a New Yorker tote bag on campus, let it be a reminder. A reminder that you are nothing.