Some Tips for Complaining about the *Warm* Weather
“I am literally dying.”
Not enjoying the wind?
“My face stings.”
Slip on the ice?
“Wow, thanks quarter system.”
But when it’s warm in Evanston from June through September, what’s a Wildcat to do? We ‘Cats are less versed in addressing summer’s high temperatures and all the weather issues that accompany them, when phrases like “fuck the Polar Vortex” just don’t quite make sense. Here are some bitchin’ tips about complaining during these awful summer months.
- Know Future Weather Patterns
Read up on weather forecasts for the next week and then flesh out your complaints. Nobody’s telling you to list the week’s highs and lows when you’re whining—that’s got no rhythm, no pizazz, no heart. Instead, look for larger weather patterns that you can quickly summarize.
“It’ll be above 90 for the next three days—ugh.”
“Thunderstorms continue tomorrow and Tuesday in Evanston. Hope we keep power this time.”
- Spice up your Weather Jargon
This ain’t your grandfather’s America, where an honest fella could let his buddy know that his sunburn was peeling without having to compete with a tiny screen for attention. People today need a little flash, something shiny to keep them engaged—try changing up your vocabulary. Did you say that it’s “warm” today? How about “painfully humid?” “Hot?” More like "steaming." “Sunny?” Take “blistering” for a spin.
- Master Hyperbole
What happens when it’s not really warm enough to complain but still uncomfortable? How, for example, can a Wildcat complain about 80 degrees? Well, they can’t—it’s time to lie about the weather. Add fifteen degrees to the current temperature—80 to 95, 90 to 105, etc.—and add words like “very” and “really” before adjectives.
“It’s 75 degrees” à “It’s really unpleasant and 90 degrees”
- Complain to relatives and friends for the most unsatisfactory experience
You’re caught in a thunderstorm for the second time in two days. Do you really think a stranger cares? Of course not, and neither does your mother—but she will listen on the phone, even if only out of unconditional love. On average, parents are the most receptive, but good friends might also tolerate some whining; the road gets bumpier with siblings—who may hate you—and grandparents—who don’t like this generation’s moaning and groaning. Family pets are your best option if applicable, but this requires pet-friendly phones.
- Be cool while complaining
It’s not worth wearing an ugly winter coat when it’s 10 degrees, right? The same principle is true in the summer. Let’s say that you’re walking around Chicago with some friends in a humid 90 degrees. You’re going to sweat, so you wear a black t-shirt—it’ll attract the hot sun, but your sweat stains won’t show, allowing you to remain (socially) cool. Without stains, though, you have no evidence for others of how uncomfortable you are. Lucky you—your friend Michael wore a white t-shirt. Ask a tourist to snap a picture of your group, and post it on Instagram. Make the caption the following: “Check out Michael’s pit stains! #yuk!.” You aren’t the weirdo who sweats, but you still communicate to your Instagram community that it’s too warm for comfort. Perfect.
- This number is not any more advice it is just for the conclusion sry…ok here goes nothing conclusion:
You might assume that complaining about the weather is something done by people who can’t endure anything but the utmost luxury. In fact, the opposite is true: those who suffer silently are the weak; they are cowards scared to confront others with their problems which prevent constant comfort. And if I remember correctly, we are not the little Northwestern pussies, but the NU Wildcats. So we complain.
 OHHHHHH YOUR MOTHER DOESN’T CARE
 He’s such a weird and gross dude
 No more tips figure it out idgaf