So You're in College and You're Going Bald

Last spring, I noticed I was starting to lose my hair.

Granted, it wasn’t like, some super major thing, where one month I had a thick luscious mane of flowing locks, and then the next month my scalp looked like someone launched an Agent Orange attack over it. It was really subtle: I got a haircut, and I noticed that, when I scratched my head, it was easier to itch the itchyness than it was before; and then I looked in a mirror and noticed that, right at the crown of my head, my hair was a little bit thinner than it had been in the past.

I texted my dad about it, because of course I did. Here’s how the dialogue went:

Prince Giblets: Hey dad when did you start losing your hair?

King Giblets: I will send you Rogaine.

King Giblets: You have fine hair.[1]

This didn’t assure me very much.

My case isn’t a very rare one, though. 15% of males’ hair begins to thin in their early 20s. Did I completely make that statistic up? Yes, but it’s probably right. Basically, I’ve noticed other kids on campus who also have thinning hair, so I know I’m not alone in this; and I’m also pretty sure that they have gone through the same thing as me, freaking out about the fact that by the time they’re 26 they’re gonna look like non-jaundiced Homer Simpsons, and what lady is going to want to touch the urine staff of someone without hair?

Answer: I don’t know. Maybe a lot, maybe very few. It depends. But basically, there are plenty of things to do if you’re still a teenager and you’re starting to go bald. Let me lay them out for you, O rapidly aging reader:

1. Buy Some Stuff. Rogaine is an over-the-counter solution that you can use to help you stop going bald at the onset of baldness. Like, actually. There are studies on it and everything, so it must be true!

Granted, I actually don’t know if it works or not. But it can’t hurt to try. There are literally no side-effects, and it comes in a super fun, easy-to-apply foam spray that kind of burns your hand if you touch it right after you’ve used soap, for some reason. Or at least that’s what happens to me. Maybe I’m allergic to the stuff and I don’t even know it.

There’s also Nioxin Shampoo, which is an option if you don’t want to take as big of a hit to your pride. Just turn the label away from the nozzle of the shower so your roommates don’t notice it, because otherwise they’ll call you baldy baldy poopants at dinner and flick bits of egg at you, and that’s really not very fun.

2. It Is Possible to Wear a Hat and Make It Work. See:

3. Just Own It. Nature happens. You’re going to be old one day. And no amount of disfiguring plastic surgery can prevent it.

At the same time: Fuck nature and her eternal workings. Nature shouldn’t make you feel like shit about yourself. Time is just a construct, anyways. We’re all just spirits playing puppet-master to our corporeal forms. Break free of the shackles! OUR TIME IS NOW!!!

But like actually, you’re a cool dude. You got the number of that one girl you always see in Starbucks – you know, the one with the nose ring and The Replacements sticker on her Macbook. So fuck losing your hair. You don’t need your fucking hair to be successful and do cool shit. Be you and everything else will work out. If you’re awesome enough, no one will even notice or care. You know who didn’t have any hair? Dwight David Eisenhower. And he was president. And also like, a really good president.

You know who does have hair? Charles Manson. Bernie Madoff. Sasquatch. I think I’ve made my point.

So if you’re in college, and you’ve noticed that you’re starting to thin a bit in the back, or that your hairline is starting to recede a bit in the front…whatever. Just go with it. You know what they say about guys with thin hair: Thick scrotum. Look it up.   That’s a fact.[2]

[1] I am just now realizing the incredible grace of my father’s text: “Fine” has a double meaning here, both meaning “of good quality,” and “delicate.” At the time, I interpreted it as the former, thinking my father was reassuring me by lying to me; now I realize he was actually being truthful, but in a deceptive way. Damn you, King Giblets!

[2] No it’s not.