Sherman Ave's Guide to Not Looking Like an Idiot While Watching the World Cup
It’s that time again: the FIFA World Cup —when you have to pretend you care about are knowledgeable about soccer. You may be invited over to watch a game, you may not know what’s going on, and you may fuck up a few times whilst trying to feign interest display familiarity with soccer terminology. Don’t worry though. We gotchu if the aforementioned fuckup does occur.
You said: “I hear Spain’s really good this year. I bet they’ll win.”
The Problem: They’re out already.
The Fix: “I meant to say Brazil…they speak Spanish right?”
You said: “THAT’S A FOUL! C’mon ref!”
The Problem: It was not in any way shape or form a foul.
The Fix: “Well, it should be. Fuck [insert opposing team name here].”
You said: “There’s always next year.”
The Problem: There isn’t. It’s every four years.
The Fix: “I meant the Women’s World Cup…which is next year (in Canada)!”
You said: "There we go! Corner kick!"
The Problem: What just happened does not result in a corner kick.
The Fix: Find the nearest table and kick its corner, thereby laughing it off as a witty and topical play-on-words.
You said: “Fucking Ronaldo…”
The Problem: Ronaldo is on neither of these teams.
The Fix: “…gets me all hot and bothered. Ugh, I wish HE were playing right now.”
You said: “Handball!”
The Problem: That man’s hand is not located on his face.
The Fix: Stay insistent. You SAW his hand touch the ball despite slow motion video evidence. You know what a hand ball is, so stop fucking sassing me, Joshua.
You said: “TOUCHDOWN!!”
The Problem: It’s a goal.
The Fix: That one’s pretty rough. Just start chanting, "U-S-A, U-S-A" or something.*
Remember: Don't sweat it too much if you say the wrong thing once or twice. Chances are, your friends will just make fun of you forever and/or stop inviting you to watch the World Cup with them (and then you won't have to worry about what to say during the games anymore)! Good luck.
*It doesn’t matter if we’re not playing. People love America.