Sherman Avenue Guide to: Hallcest
Hallcest. Much like incest, the word writhes with the kind of impropriety usually saved for ancient Mongols and cannibals. Despite the perpetual warnings from upperclassmen not to engage in fucking dormcest, the inevitable has happened. You got down and dirty with that hottie from down the hall, and the walk of shame was blissfully brief. If you have had the misfortune of engaging in this particularly corrupt form of debauchery during your first three weeks of NU there are a few things you should know. 1) No one said this was easy Save for the first floor of Bobb and the Hobart House (which, depending on your orientation, could still work), you now live amongst the brightest, funniest and most attractive of the opposite sex. Every day it has become more difficult to simply close your dorm door and forget about that bangable neighbor you saw in a towel on their way to the bathroom, where, presumably, they would be taking that towel off.
2) Don’t try to deny it because even though you didn’t tell* and they swear they fucking kept quiet** the truth always emerges eventually. Also it will be difficult to deny because…
3) Someone probably saw you Even though you tried to find the absolute most secluded and coziest corner on one of the couches at the deuce before making your way back to your place, you were more than likely spotted by pretty much everyone. Also, you were probably drunk, and chances are that cozy spot in the corner of the deuce was actually the center of the dance floor surrounded by really squishy people.
As the emerging bright and talented leaders that you are, one would think that we’d be smart enough to avoid hooking up with the like 20 people on campus that live in such close proximity it is nearly impossible to go through a 24 hour period without bumping into them. However, you, like many other Northwestern students, are still developmentally challenged in social dimensions and thus, we have neatly laid out your options for you now that you’ve so majorly fucked up.
Option a) continue to fuck your hallmate and let the haters hate
b) stop any and all communication with your hallmate because that is how mature college students handle relationships with past hookups that they are no longer hooking up with. This tactic is especially useful if you go all out:
1) Avoid eye contact with your “one and done” in stairwells and hallways.
2) When in large groups, approach and only engage in conversation with other hallmates.
3) Casually knock on this particular hallmate’s door whenever you walk by (which is very often because you are
hallmates after all). After knocking run the fuck back to your room.
c) Have a mature and evolving friendship with this (hopefully) attractive hallmate (but let’s be honest, option c is for people who are boring as fuck and probably wouldn’t have committed hallcest anyway).
For those of you who found option a particularly appealing, despite the stigma, you do you. Here are a few advantages that you should be sure to let your dormcest “partner in crime” know:
1) Remind them how convenient they’ll be to fuck when it gets cold outside and neither of you will want to do the walk of shame back from Allison
2) Tell them they matter more than your shattered reputation
3) Give them a wink and tell them your roommate is staying out late tonight
*you fucking told
**they fucking told everyone