In its current state, the Class of 2017 Facebook page is littered with depressing anecdotes ranging from “I lost my phone/Wildcard/dignity, etc., at (insert frat here), please let me know if you find it.” to “Is anyone else staying on campus for Thanksgiving break? Or should I just give up entirely?” But before we arrived on campus, the Facebook group was the most convenient way to let an entirely new group of people know how excited you were, how funny you thought you were, and what your AP scores were. In this heyday, the one name that appeared more frequently than any others on the rest on the page was Jacob Jones. And when his name appeared to be on the cusp of trending during Purple Pride, the question had to be asked: who is the real Jacob Jones? We sent Elder Tickles and Detroit Slim to Satan’s Asshole Hinman to find out. Elder Tickles: What’s one thing you wish you had known going into the Class of 2017 Facebook page?
Jacob Jones: The fact that everything I said would make me the person everyone walks up to and takes pictures of randomly on the street.
Detroit Slim: So you’re not a fan of the paparazzi?
JJ: I’m a fan of the “Oh, you’re Jacob Jones.” But not necessarily the creeper shots.
Tickles: Have you ever come close to going Kanye?
JJ: No, it’s come to the top of my head sometimes, but you’ve got to please the fans.
DSlim: What are you tryna accomplish in your time here at Northwestern?
JJ: I don’t know if there’s much to accomplish, I’m already a celebrity.
Tickles: So you’re not here to learn? Just to bask in the fame?
DSlim: No degree in mind.
JJ: Yeah, pretty much. I mean a Northwestern education is ok, but it’s just like 12th. Not even in the top 10.
DSlim: We’re both journalism majors, so we did quite a bit of research onto your profile. We saw that you liked hoodies on your Facebook page, is this your response to the Trayvon Martin picture?
DSlim: We can skip this question.
Tickles: No we can’t.
JJ: Uhm. I don’t know how to respond to that.
Tickles: I see in your photos that you support Chick-fil-A. Can you elaborate?
JJ: Yeah so I’m from South Carolina. Chick-fil-A is pretty much a drug.
DSlim: Wait, you’re from South Carolina?
DSlim: How’s racism going for you?
JJ: You know, it’s pretty great I guess, because it doesn’t happen in the town that I’m from.
Tickles: You’re very lucky. And I’d just like to add that that question was prewritten.
JJ: That was good.
DSlim: So, just to clear that up, hometown: not that racist. That’s good.
JJ: Nope, a lot of northerners in our town.
Tickles: You mean carpetbaggers?
JJ: I mean, no.
DSlim: Stephen Colbert is from South Carolina, right?
JJ: Yeah, he is. I mean, about 99% of us are racist. I am the 1%.
Tickles: Would you consider yourself in the one percent among Northwestern students, not in terms of money, in terms of, ya know, fans, status, the things that matter?
JJ: Um, I mean, not necessarily.
Tickles: You have fans, do you have haters?
JJ: I’m sure I do because that just comes with the territory.
Tickles: Have any of them tried to take you down?
JJ: I mean, if they’re trying, they haven’t been doing anything very publicly.
Tickles: So you want them to step up?
JJ: They should work harder if they’re trying to do anything.
Tickles: You’re really throwing the gauntlet now.
DSlim: We’ll see if the haters come out.
Tickles: They always do.
JJ: The thing is, they have to read Sherman Ave.
Tickles: What’s your favorite color…person?
JJ: Did you just ask what my favorite color person is?
DSlim: Exactly, your favorite color…person.
Tickles: I think we’re being pretty clear.
JJ: I feel like it’s not that clear.
Tickles: I mean I think it’s pretty clear. Is it just me?
DSlim: So your answer is that you’re unclear.
JJ: Yeah, pretty much.
Tickles: We could clear it up.
JJ: You can attempt to, it didn’t work well the first time.
Tickles: So we’re on the same page?
DSlim: According to your Facebook page it says you’ve read 28 books but only liked 10 of them. Are you ever happy?
JJ: Not really, no.
Tickles: Are you happy with us?
JJ: I mean, one of you. I’ll let you guess which one it is.
Tickles: Well it’s funny that you mention that, because we have a meeting in like 10 minutes, we have a bunch of stuff we worked on and one of us has to go to give a presentation, so only one of us can stay. Who do you want it to be?
JJ: That’s a tough one.
Tickles: Here, we’ll make it easy; we’re sitting on opposite sides of the couch, just like walk towards the one of us you want to stay.
JJ: I choose Elder Tickles. He could actually work the recorder.
DSlim: Okay, well while we’re trying to make you choose, which one of us do you think will bear more thoughtful children?
JJ: I think this comes back to one of you couldn’t figure out how to record something. Especially if you’re in Medill.
DSlim: Oh, you’re cooking me on this.
Tickles: You’re taking a lot of stock in that and I love it. Anyway, do you have any nicknames?
JJ: Do I have any that are common, no? Uncommon ones are JJ, JJ the Jet Plane, Juicy J.
DSlim: JJ Da Juiceman.
JJ: That’s a brand new one. You can start that if you want.
Tickles: Have you ever been called VaJayJay?
JJ: No, I can honestly say I’ve never been called that one.
Tickles: Would you mind if we--
JJ: I would mind that a lot actually.
Tickles: It was worth asking.
DSlim: So we have pseudonyms. If you had a pseudonym, what would it be?
VaJayJay: I feel like this takes a lot of thought.
Tickles: While you’re thinking, I just have to add that I found some more Chick-fil-A pictures. You’re very vocal in your support of Chick-fil-A. So you can think about the pseudonym question, but we’re going to have to revisit this Chick-fil-A deal.
VaJayJay: I have no idea. I’m trying to remember some of the pseudonyms.
DSlim: What about a drug dealer name?
VaJayJay: That didn’t help. I feel like they’re the same.
DSlim: Do you ever stop while walking to class, look around at YOUR school, smirk and whisper softly…”I did it,” then chuckle, look around, and just keep on walking?
VaJayJay: I feel like that makes me sound really creepy, but I probably have done that at some point.
Tickles: So have I. We do that together sometimes. DSlim and me.
VaJayJay: I can see that.
Tickles: What’s the best reaction you’ve gotten from people who recognize you on campus?
DSlim: In this situation, best can be synonymous with worst. Like, have there been any physical altercations?
VaJayJay: *long pause*. Not yet. No. Not really.
Tickles: Any hugs? Dry humps?
VaJayJay: Nope, none.
Tickles: You’re telling me you haven’t gotten dry humped on Sheridan AT ALL? You’re Jacob fuckin' Jones!
VaJayJay: I don’t think that really comes with the territory.
Tickles: What does come with the territory? You know better than us.
VaJayJay: I have no idea.
Tickles: What’s a day in the life like?
DSlim: Are there perks?
VaJayJay: A day in the life is really boring. Not too many people recognize me. It was mostly like Wildcat Welcome when people did that with me.
Tickles: So it fizzled.
DSlim: Run us through your train of thought on Purple Pride day. We’re all just sitting there with 2000 strangers and your name is flashing across the screen.
VaJayJay: I guess it was weird because I didn’t expect anything like that to happen. Then all of a sudden there were creeper shots on the page. People like “I just saw Jacob Jones.”
DSlim: Oh, so there were pictures?
VaJayJay: There were some on Facebook, maybe not on Twitter. It was really strange to see people mentioning the most boring name on planet just because I posted on Facebook a lot.
DSlim: Okay, so I know I was early [decision] and so were you?
Tickles: Oh you guys were both premature? I wasn’t a preemie. Wait, what the fuck, I can’t make a preemie joke. What am I doing?
DSlim: In our observations, your thing was always information. If someone had a question you were on that shit like nobody’s business.
Tickles: You were like Sacajawea.
DSlim: And since your name was Jacob Jones, we all thought you were like a bug from Wildcat Welcome. Did you ever think about it that way, like, that you could have been a bug created by Wildcat Welcome?
VaJayJay: Like a mole?
DSlim: Yeah. Like someone sent in there to give information.
VaJayJay: Um, people have actually mentioned that. People thought I was a PA. I guess I never thought of that until people brought it up. I don’t look like I could be any older than a freshman.
Tickles: Do you ever feel like you got created by Wildcat Welcome?
VaJayJay: Like I’m the Frankenstein of Wildcat Welcome? Probably, yeah.
DSlim: Where did your love for information about Northwestern come from? Or is it just a desire to inform the masses?
VaJayJay: I guess since I couldn’t visit I just wanted to know as much as possible, and when people asked questions, it was like, “Oh, I know that.” And so I just informed them.
DSlim: What do you mean you couldn’t visit?
VaJayJay: I didn’t have time to come visit after I got accepted.
DSlim: What was your main source of information to learn about Northwestern?
VaJayJay: Not the Northwestern page that’s for sure.
DSlim: So you went outside the .edu page?
VaJayJay: Absolutely. Northwestern.edu is horrible. Anything you want to learn that is useful is never on the front page.
Tickles: Don’t judge a book by its cover.
VaJayJay: Obviously I read it all the way through and it was still boring.
Tickles: So you know the whole book?
VaJayJay: I didn’t read the whole thing, I skimmed most of it. That’s what you do for most classes.
Tickles: It says here on your Facebook page that one of you favorite quotations is from Reggie the Janitor. So I guess my question is: who the fuck is Reggie the Janitor?
VaJayJay: He was the janitor at my school. I kinda went to two high schools for different classes.
DSlim: Which one was more racist?
VaJayJay: The one I went to for two classes was for arts and music, so not that one.
Tickles: Which one did Reggie work at?
VaJayJay: He worked at the fine arts center.
Tickles: Could Reggie dance?
Tickles: You never danced with Reggie? It’s an art school, I figure most of the people there can dance.
VaJayJay: No, I did not dance with Reggie.
DSlim: I had a question pertaining to the color purple. In keeping with the purple theme, what’s your favorite codeine mixer, like are you a classic Sprite and Jolly Rancher guy or is there some new, cool shit you could tell me about?
VaJayJay: *Shakes his head in disapproval* I’m gonna have to go with the classic.
Tickles: Which politician could you beat handily in a round of Battle Shits?
VaJayJay: In what?
DSlim & Tickles: Battle Shits.
DSlim: Okay, you’re in a stall and someone enters the stall next to you and you basically try to have a more violent shit than the guy next to you.
Tickles: You can schedule them like duels, but they’re usually better on the spot. Then you get to capture the raw intensity of the competition.
DSlim: I don’t think they really have Battle Shits on south campus.
Tickles: It’s definitely more of northern thing. It’s exhausting, though, never knowing when you’ll get challenged.
DSlim: Yeah, and it means a lot of Frontera runs. By the way, I fucked up and had Taco Bell and Frontera today. I’m gonna have a terrible tomorrow.
Tickles: But a big win today.
DSlim: Back to the question: who could you beat?
VaJayJay: I feel like Barack Obama is very stressed out, so he’s probably very constipated. I think he’d be easy to beat.
Tickles: What about Hillary?
VaJayJay: I wouldn’t know about that. Not sure.
Tickles: She could probably shit you under the table.
VaJayJay: Yeah, I think she could pound down some Mexican food.
DSlim: Shits for days.
VaJayJay: Yeah, you just gotta eat some Taco Bell and you’ll win. I feel like it’s cheating.
DSlim: Do you have any Chick-fil-A battle shits stories?
VaJayJay: Chick-fil-A is pretty good on the digestion.
DSlim: Did the Wildcat Welcome Board of Directors ever contact you and tell you to back off or anything? Did they get bitchy or insulting?
VaJayJay: I feel like they kept all the insults to themselves. They let them fester and eventually they’re going to lash out. But I don’t know when it’s coming. You’ve got to watch out.
Tickles: If you could be any animal, would you?
VaJayJay: No, I don’t think so because then nobody would recognize me as Jacob Jones.
DSlim: It would be like “Oh shit, did you hear about Jacob Jones? He turned into a fucking dog!”
VaJayJay: Is a dog really the best thing you could think of then?
DSlim: But there, just like that, you doubled your fame.
VaJayJay: Then I’d just be another campus wildlife critter like the skunks or whatever.
DSlim: Back to some Jones-centric questions, why did you apply to Northwestern?
VaJayJay: Both of my grandparents on my dad’s side went here.
DSlim: What made you love Northwestern?
VaJayJay: I feel like I’m writing my application all over again. I guess the balance of everything. Good sports, good academics, middle-sized.
Tickles: Do you play sports?
VaJayJay: No. Just like watching.
DSlim: I’m here on a football scholarship.
Tickles: You just haven’t been going to practice.
VaJayJay: That’s why we’re losing. What if you guys were the secret weapon?
Tickles: That’s probably it. Do people back home know you’re The King?
Tickles: What will they say when they see this interview? Will you show it to them or kind of hide it?
VaJayJay: I’ll probably kind of keep it where it is. I won’t hide it but I won’t promote it.
DSlim: I have a quick tangent question, what the fuck is wrong with this couch? (There were old Cheerios and rusted paper clips in between the cushion.)
VaJayJay: I think that’s everyone’s question, actually. It sort of happens when you have couches that have been here for a century. It’s a lot less dirty than it has been.
DSlim: Why did you personally take the initiative in answering a shit ton of questions on the Facebook group? Was there ever a thought of “I have this information, I want to share it”?
VaJayJay: No, it just kind of like happened.
Tickles: What has been your darkest hour as the Jacob Jones?
VaJayJay: Anytime there’s a question that you don’t know it just kind of kills you inside. Because you’re Jacob Jones, you have to keep up the high level of my standards.
Tickles: If we were to ask you to make an acrostic poem out of Northwestern University, what would it be?
VaJayJay: I don’t even know where to start.
Tickles: We’re not asking you to do it, that would be nuts.
VaJayJay: I think it’d be a giant waste of time.
Tickles: Like this interview?
Tickles: You’re on to us.
DSlim: Why was your profile picture three dots?
VaJayJay: I honestly don’t remember.
Tickles: Were you trying to hypnotize us?
VaJayJay: That’s exactly what I was going for.
Tickles: It shows here that you started working for Norris Center recently?
VaJayJay: I did. In the bookstore.
Tickles: I don’t have a follow up. We’re going to do some word association now. Just say the first word that comes to mind.
Tickles: Quicker, please. Bazooka.
DSlim: You can’t just keep saying confused-themed words. Dead hooker!
Tickles: Johnny Depp.
[”Anything Can Happen” by Ellie Goulding plays in the background]
VaJayJay: Are you guys dancing to the music in my CA’s room?
DSlim: What’s your ideal Dillo Day lineup including controlled substances?
Tickles: You say that as the CAs walk by.
VaJayJay: Not Smash Mouth.
Tickles: Smash Mouth kind of sounds like a drug.
VaJayJay: Definitely does.
Tickles: I’ve smashed mouth.
VaJayJay: I mean, if you guys want to make that a thing.
Tickles: I also tried some Third Eye Blind.
VaJayJay: Have you walked the moon?
Tickles: I have not. I did black out at a Walk the Moon concert though. That was haunting.
VaJayJay: Doesn’t count.
DSlim: What kind of music do you listen to?
VaJayJay: I listen to a lot of music. I guess alternative indie rock.
VaJayJay: Not Ke$ha. Anything but Ke$ha.
DSlim: Literally anything but Ke$ha? Ku Klux Klan Christmas CD?
VaJayJay: You listen to the Ku Klux Klan Christmas CD?
DSlim: No, I don’t think they make it. You just said “anything but.”
Tickles: We’re going to listen to a little bit of a song. I want you to tell me what it means
[“Royals” by Lorde plays for an uncomfortable period of time]
DSlim: What do you think?
Tickles: It’s not finished yet.
[Music eventually ends.]
Tickles: What do you feel?
VaJayJay: I mean Lorde might never be royal, but I kind of already am.
Tickles: Wow. Oh my god. Are you really trying to beat Lorde?! Is this real?
VaJayJay: I mean she already admitted that she’ll never be royal so you never know.
Tickles: So you are the king?
Tickles: King VaJayJay. Still on top. We’re going to do a couple Marry Fuck Kills. This is really just about your preference. Beyoncé with one leg, quadriplegic Scarlet Johansson, or J. Lo with an eye patch, and she always talks about how she has an eye patch.
VaJayJay: *surprisingly quickly* I’m going to kill J. Lo.
Tickles: That was fast.
DSlim: So you’re not a fan of a woman standing on her own two feet.
Tickles: He supports the patriarchy.
VaJayJay: Marry Scarlett Johansson.
VaJayJay: Was that what you expected it to be?
Tickles: Honestly, I had no expectations going into that question.
DSlim: Moving on to the next one, Queen Elizabeth I, Billy Shakespeare, or King James I.
VaJayJay: Kill King James.
DSlim: Keep in mind that she is the Virgin Queen. So you could have some excruciating sex with the Queen.
VaJayJay: True. I’ll go with marry the Queen.
DSlim: And fuck Shakespeare.
Tickles: Marry the Queen, because you’re the King.
VaJayJay: Makes sense I guess.
Tickles: Okay. University of Michigan, Yale, University of Chicago.
VaJayJay: Kill University of Chicago. Was that even a question?
DSlim: They’re already dead.
VaJayJay: I feel like Michigan is a lot sluttier so I’m going to have to marry Yale.
DSlim: Wow. Slut-shaming the entire University of Michigan.
DSlim: Marjorie Weinberg, Joseph Medill, and Frances Willard.
VaJayJay: We can go ahead and kill Joseph Medill.
DSlim: And subsequently, us too.
VaJayJay: Exactly. So it’s between Willard and Weinberg. Willard was like the temperance movement so she was probably really uptight?
DSlim: You could find out how tight she is.
VaJayJay: I think that’s the creepiest thing you’ve said so far. That’s quite an accomplishment.
DSlim: Thank you.
VaJayJay: I think I’ll marry Willard.
DSlim: Fucking Weinberg. Does that mean that you’re fucking yourself?
Tickles: This just got cosmic. Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck sized horses?
VaJayJay: Hundred duck sized horses.
VaJayJay: Because I feel like you could just kick them if they’re that small. If it was a horse-sized duck it’d just keep fighting.
DSlim: Please note that if he were able to, he’d be kicking the shit out of horses.
Tickles: South Carolina.
VaJayJay: I should point out that South Carolina is the 49th best state of education. It’s quite an accomplishment, better than Mississippi.
Tickles: If you had Google Glass, what genre of porn would you watch in lecture?
VaJayJay: I can’t answer that.
Tickles: If you could hook up with one professor in Northwestern, who would it be?
VaJayJay: I’m trying to think of professors I don’t have. I don’t know many professors. Plus, the professors are going to see my answer.
Tickles: Professors avidly read The Ave.
VaJayJay: It’d be pretty obvious. You guys interviewed Morson.
DSlim: We didn’t.
Tickles: I didn’t even exist then.
VaJayJay: I mean I’m the best that you guys could get for an interview, the other guys got Morty and Morson so…
Tickles: Don’t sell yourself short.
DSlim: Last Fuck Marry Kill -- Fitzgerald, Collins, or Drunk Morty from convocation.
VaJayJay: If I kill Fitz does that mean that the football team will do better?
DSlim: It’s your call.
VaJayJay: I’d kill Fitz, marry Collins.
DSlim: And you’re taking advantage of Drunk Morty.
VaJayJay: I think there was already a poll on whether you would hook up with Morty.
DSlim: A poll?
VaJayJay: There was definitely a poll on your website.
DSlim: What’s done is done.
Tickles: It’s in the past.
VaJayJay: Yeah, you guys should know your website better.