Sherman Ave Interviews Homecoming Court: Luke Cianciotto
Last month, Sherman Ave sat down with all twelve members of this year’s Northwestern Homecoming Court, and had conversations about love, life, and bad decisions made at Cheesie’s. All this week, we will be publishing these interviews in anticipation of voting for Homecoming King and Queen opening on the 11th of October.
In this installment, Sherman Ave writers Detroit Slim, Pip Sleazy, and Manua Hiki-Hiki sat down with Luke Cianciotto, to talk about the Spongebob, SESP, and muscle tees.
Detroit Slim: Where are you from?
Luke: Mundelein, Illinois.
DSlim: How is that?
Luke: It’s cool. You know, suburbs. It’s like 45 minutes north of here. Lots of strip malls, Applebees, Taco Bells
Manua Hiki-Hiki: The classics.
Luke: The occasional corn field.
Pip Sleezy: You were a Peer Advisor, could you tell us about your least favorite kid?
Hiki-Hiki: This is a sure sign that there is one.
Luke: I’ve had three generations of kids so I have to think.
DSlim: If you had to guess one of your kids is going to murder someone. You don’t have to give the name, just describe what they’re like.
Hiki-Hiki: And what their class and major is and any other key identifiers.
DSlim: Like what their name rhymes with.
Luke: Honestly, I don’t know if anyone would murder anyone. Maybe like petty theft, or like arson, or public nudity. Murder is a lot. I don’t know. It’s hard to say. It’s like picking favorites with children.
Hiki-Hiki: I already know. I haven’t even had my kids yet and I know.
Luke: Yeah. Probably one of those Medilldos. But if you guys are reading this, I still love you. Basically, Medill as an entity is most likely to murder someone. SESP is too nice.
DSlim: You said that you’re in SESP and you’re in the Skateboarding Club. So what are your unemployment prospects looking like?
Luke: Dude, so good. I’m really excited. I plan on doing a lot of sitting on my couch and nothing. A lot of not looking for a job. I’m planning on biking across the country to further the unemployment thing and pretend I’m doing something important. But yeah, unemployed for life. I’m excited.
Pip: Which episode of Spongebob had the greatest impact on who you are as a person today?
Luke: The Tattletale Strangler. So going back to if I had to murder someone, strangling is pretty intimate. Like look in their eyes as life leaves them.
Hiki-Hiki: Just to be clear, we never asked you how you would kill someone.
Luke: That one was real funny. I was also talking with my friends about the Handsome Squidward one. Like where Squidward gets handsome. That was a good one. I was dead when I saw that one, so funny. Oh, wait. I have to go with Chocolate and Nuts.
DSlim: The crazy chocolate one?
Luke: The crazy chocolate one! “Chocolate?”
DSlim: “What are they selling?”
Pip: “I remember when they first invented chocolate.”
Luke: Yeah, so Chocolate and Nuts for sure.
DSlim: When did you know you wanted to be king?
Luke: *long pause with laughter* ...My picture on the homecoming page on Facebook is me riding a lion when I was like 1, so probably like straight out the womb, went right to the lion and knew I wanted to be king.
DSlim: Are there plans to sing “I Can’t Wait To Be King”?
Luke: Oh, yeah. Every day. All day.
DSlim: Just to be clear, you answered that perfectly. That was a pre-written question.
Luke: Ok. Cool.
Hiki-Hiki: What is the best place to get a handjob on campus?
Luke: I think you gotta go balls to the wall. Center of Deering Meadow, 1 pm. Full exhibitionist.
Hiki-Hiki: Can you elaborate on the way your balls being pressed to a wall fit into this.
Luke: I don’t know.
DSlim: “Haven’t gotten that far in my fantasies.”
Pip: On November 9th, 2008 you said you were “PUMPEDDD FOR WEDNSSSSSSSSSSS.” Do you still feel the same way about Wednesdays?
Luke: *laughs* Yeah.
DSlim: Where do you think you’d be today without gravity?
Luke: Dead? If not that, I don’t know dude. Gravity is pretty important. One of the most underappreciated things out there. Haven’t seen the movie. I don’t like this question.
Hiki-Hiki: So you’ve got a pretty prominent mustache. Exactly how many yards do you have to stay away from public parks and schools?
Luke: You know. Is this going to say “long pause” after every question? 100? I live across from Fireman’s Park so I can kind of creep out the window. Flip the blinds. But yeah, it’s in prime scumstache territory. You guys take pictures, right? Can you just take a picture of the scumstache?
Pip: If you have a little tiny Sherman Ave sign you can put above the mustache.
DSlim: Or a Sherman Ave grill.
Pip: What’s your life motto?
Hiki-Hiki: That sounds like a damn good one.
Luke: Yeah. This is going to be the most unintelligible interview ever.
DSlim: When did you decide to dress terribly in order to make yourself more approachable?
Luke: That one really hits home. You don’t want to go there. It all goes back to freshmen year of high school. I had a gross haircut, kind of chubby. There was this senior, we called him Sprinkles. He was the man. He shopped at Goodwill a lot, wore goofy clothes. And I was like, “I want to be him. People like him, he’s funny.” I started shopping at Goodwill, now some people like me, I’m not that funny though. So it kind of worked.
DSlim: Manua Hiki-Hiki also molded his life after a guy named Sprinkles.
Luke: Did you really?
Hiki-Hiki: He did a different kind of thing though. You can find him on some sites you can’t access in the library.
Pip: Do you have a stapler I could borrow?
Luke: Sorry, dude. Actually yeah *gets up and finds stapler* Here.
Pip: Thanks, I didn’t want to use paper clips.
DSlim: Who’s your favorite American congressman?
Luke: This is like kind of a real question. I can kind of resonate with this one. I was in DC this past summer. And this guy Jim Kolbe is a representative from Arizona. He went to Northwestern and had us all over for dinner. And he was really cool and then he invited me and my friend Ryan to brunch and we just chatted it up. Really awesome dude. He’s the man, don’t put anything bad in there about him.
DSlim: Just so you know Frank Underwood isn’t real.
Luke: Who’s Frank Underwood? I’m going to look him up. Should I know him?
DSlim: Kind of. You must’ve had more activity this summer than I did...So you used to be the Monster Representative on campus. What’s the best part of being a really cool 14-year-old?
Luke: *laughs* That question is amazing. Yeah, it’s pretty sick. Monster muscle t’s. It’s cool.
Hiki-Hiki: What’s your favorite place to get an unexpected erection?
Luke: Middle of Deering at 1 pm. Wait--actually I’m not going to tell this story. Should I tell the story?
Hiki-Hiki: You should tell the story.
Pip: I don’t know where this story’s going but I’d like to hear it.
Luke: I was in Spanish class junior year and you just get one of those. And the professor asked me to pass out these papers and I was like “Noo!” It was horrible. That’s another thing you shouldn’t put in there. [story redacted by Sherman Ave editors]
Pip: What’s your favorite African nation?
Luke: I spent a summer in Uganda. That was pretty tight. Geography is cool.
Pip: What do you like about it?
Luke: I don’t know. Just memorizing like countries and where places are and stuff.
DSlim: What do you think some of the issues with Sherman Ave are?
Luke: To be honest, I don’t know. I haven’t read one of your articles really.
DSlim: No, we’re really looking for feedback, we’re losing a lot of views.
Luke: I don’t know, you guys are funny. You guys are cool, I like you guys.
DSlim: Like we’re probably going to sell the domain name pretty soon.
Pip: A used furniture store is looking at the domain name. We’re thinking about selling out.
DSlim: Cashing in while we still can.
Luke: I’m bad about reading campus publications. You guys are funny though.
Pip: You only have a week to read them.
Hiki-Hiki: Is semen vegan?
Luke: Yes? I don’t know. Maybe you would know, [Manua?]
Hiki-Hiki: What’s that supposed to mean?
Luke: You’re vegan, right?
DSim: “But you do suck dick.”
Luke: Yes, it is. I’ve decided.
Pip: I just learned this cool trick. Isn’t it funny if you pretend to pour salt on your tongue you can actually taste the salt?
Luke: Really? Wait, I know what that’s going to look like. Here, I’ll do it anyways.
Pip: It’s a dick.
DSlim: What Super Smash character do you pick?
Luke: Captain Falcon he’s the man. When he does the “Show Me Your Moves” thing. And he’s fast.
Pip: Fox is fast.
Luke: Fox is fast. Whatever.
Hiki-Hiki: To wrap it up, what is the final thing you want to say to voters?
Luke: Don’t vote for Luke Cianciotto. Just kidding, do vote for me cause… I haven’t gotten this far.
Pip: Can you give us a concluding limerick?
Luke: This is so much pressure. Can I do a haiku instead
Hiki-Hiki: We’ll accept it.
Luke: What is it? 5 7 5? *long pause*
DSlim: Luke is one syllable.
I’m getting there. I just need the seven syllable part, that’s the hardest.
Alright, top of the dome: My name is Luke C, I’m silly and friendly. Damn, that’s only six. My name is Luke C, I am… Why do no seven syllable sentences exist? My name is Luke C...
DSlim: We get it.
Pip: Also we’re all on your Facebook right now. Just going through your escapades in the bathroom.
Luke: Dude there’s a lot of them. My name is Luke C, I love NU and (simultaneous with Pip) poop and pee.
Pip and Luke: Ahh! We did it!
Hiki-Hiki: Stop celebrating, you have one line left.
Luke: My name is Luke C, I love NU and poop and pee, so vote for me-e.
DSlim: Can you Venmo us like five dollars for the pizza?