Sherman Ave Interviews Homecoming Court: Ariel Malloy

Sherman Ave Interviews Homecoming Court: Ariel Malloy


malloy Last month, Sherman Ave sat down with all twelve members of this year’s Northwestern Homecoming Court, and had conversations about love, life, and bad decisions made at Cheesie’s.  All this week, we will be publishing these interviews in anticipation of voting for Homecoming King and Queen opening on the 11th of October.

In this installment, Sherman Ave writers Felicity Jenkins, Walter Klondike, and Xenonia Diamondfarts sat down with Ariel Malloy to talk about Drake, the economy, and Hidalgo.

Felicity Jenkins: So first off, how do you spell your name?

Ariel: A. R. I. E. L.

Felicity: Which Ariel do you get compared to more frequently? Professional wrestler Shelly Martinez who wrestles under the name Ariel, or former Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon?

Ariel: Prime minister. People always think I’m Jewish.

Felicity: Totally I see it. Alright so, where are you from originally?

Ariel: Houston, Texas.

Felicity: You know what they say, don’t mess with…

Ariel: Texas.

Felicity: Oh, I was going to say Delaware. Don’t mess with Delaware. Everyone always forgets that it’s a state, and that’s how it gets you.

Walter Klondike: So tell us a little about what’s your major, what you’re involved with on campus?

Ariel: Yeah, so technically I’m undeclared.

Felicity: Nice! Is that allowed as a senior?

Ariel: Surprised they haven’t kicked me out of Northwestern but here I am. I am going to declare an econ major this week because I’m pretty much done with it. On campus, last year I was very involved and senior year I kinda wanted to take some time to myself. I’ve relinquished a lot of my duties. But now I’m starting to build up the investment banking club that we started last year and that’s really my main focus.

Felicity: So you’re involved in econ, can we ask you a question about Reagonomics? What is the exchange rate between US dollars and Reagan bucks and how many do you need to save up before you can buy a go-kart?

Ariel: You know what, that’s a great question. Can I use a lifeline?

Felicity: Yeah you can call a friend.

Ariel: Can I really? [Reaches for phone] No this is serious. I don’t think anyone ever answers my phone calls so we’re gonna see how this goes. [Pause] Is this serious?

Felicity: You do know Reagan bucks aren’t a real thing?

Ariel: Oh god, I really had no fucking idea.

Felicity: I’m so sorry to break that to you.

Ariel: I was like, Reagan bucks, that sounds so foreign to me, let me just call someone in foreign currencies that can help me. Literally I was about to call someone who works with foreign currencies and they were going to actually tell me that it’s not a real thing.

Felicity: Oh man, I’m so disappointed I stopped that from happening.

Ariel: They would’ve been very upset with me.

Felicity: That would’ve been funnier than anything we could’ve come up with.

Xenonia Diamondfarts: We noticed you have a profile picture with Drake and were wondering what’s that about?

Ariel: So my godbrother is Drake’s manager, so senior year he blessed me with some nice VIP tickets.

Felicity: Did he grace you with any Drake advice?

Ariel: No, so I was a fresh 17, so I think I was just way too nervous for words at the time and when he touched me I think it was like a lunar eclipse or something. I was just kinda in awe of so many different things at the same time so I can’t recall our conversation. But I’m once again a senior so I’m trying to convince him to let me get some backstage passes.

Felicity: So, you used to be a cheerleader is what we gathered from our extensive research (not stalking). Which one of these cheerleading titles describes you most: Bring It On, Bring It On Again, Bring It On: All or Nothing, Bring It On: Fight to the Finish, or Hidalgo? Sorry that last one isn’t about cheerleading but it’s just a really good movie.

Ariel: That is a good movie. I’m going to have to say Bring It On: All or Nothing. For sure. Oh for sure.

Felicity: Yeah that was the right answer. Unless you wanted to say Hidalgo.

Klondike: Yeah the characters in that movie are way more fleshed out than any of the others.

Ariel: Completely agree. Way more depth there.

Felicity: Alright so what’s your favorite place to take a shit on campus?

Ariel: That’s a great question. I heard that this was one of them, and so I started to think about it, and it would have to be--I don’t think I have a favorite, who enjoys poops?--but the place that I find--nobody take my spot--definitely third floor Tech, if you walk up the stairs to the left, it’s good. Nobody’s ever there.

Felicity: Sounds like a cabin in the mountains.

Ariel: Something like that.

Klondike: Is there like an emergency shower?

Ariel: Oh yeah. There’s also an emergency shower just in case.

Klondike: So what would you say--this is I guess a political question--what do you love about NU?

Ariel: Oh God. The people. There’s really nothing better than the friends you make here. Everyone’s so smart and funny and talented and people that are way smarter than me and just know random facts. I just love how much you can learn in an average conversation.

Felicity: And what would you say is your second favorite thing about North West?

Klondike: As in Kim and Kanye’s baby.

Ariel: No I know! I caught on to that--don’t worry. Ok I have a first favorite so then what’s my next one? I’m gonna have to say it’s her fashion sense and the $10,000 Chanel bag. She is so cute. I love it. Favorite celebrity baby by far.

Felicity: Really? Where do you stand on the Blue Ivy vs. North West smackdown?

Ariel: So North West can’t talk yet, so this is kinda where the issue is because Blue Ivy when she speaks is precious and when she dances…

Xenonia: The VMAs!!

Ariel: The VMAs. Oh God that was precious. But North West, my favorite reason is that she looks just like my best friend when she was a kid, and so I just love her because she just reminds me of my best friend, so she kinda beats out Blue Ivy. But once she starts talking, if she’s not as cute or as funny…

Felicity: If she has Kim’s voice?

Ariel: Exactly. Or like her level of intelligence.

Felicity: Or Kanye’s hubris? Really any of the traits from either of those two people.

Ariel: Exactly.

Xenonia: Which member of the Homecoming Court is most like Joey from Friends?

Ariel: Wait, like literally can I see a picture of the court? I can tell you exactly which one it is.

Klondike: Do you have somebody in mind?

Felicity: There is a right or wrong answer.

Ariel: Wait, is there a wrong answer?

Felicity: Oh, absolutely.  These are all pre-scripted--like, we predicted what you might say. You’ll be graded at the end.

Ariel:  It’s not Erik. I know Erik really well but it’s not Erik.  It’s another guy; he’s tall and blonde.

Felicity:  Is it Brannon?  Uh, we can just skip that one ‘cause I don’t know how to get pictures of everyone.  We’ll come back to that one later.

Felicity: So, how do think potato salad gets away with calling itself salad?

Ariel:  [In a hushed tone] You know, I think there are people in this world that are just, kind of insane.  Like, what is in potato salad, it’s potatoes and…

Felicity: Mayonnaise.

Ariel: Actually, here’s the real thing.  Potato salad is a southern thing, and in the south we don’t do vegetables, so it’s about the healthiest thing you can get.  Then you can tell people you brought salad and they don’t actually have to eat lettuce.

Felicity: That’s actually a way better explanation than I could have ever imagined.

Ariel: That’s definitely it, yeah.  Like when you eat your barbeque you have your meat and potato salad, and no vegetables.

Felicity: Have you heard the new Now That’s What I Call Music! 88 CD?

Ariel: No way we’re on 88.

Felicity: Yeah, we actually researched that.

Xenonia: We do a lot of research.

Ariel: I have not heard, what’s on it?

Felicity: Oh, “Let It Go” from Frozen is on it.  There’s 45 songs on it actually.  You should really check it out.

Ariel: That’s impressive.

Xenonia: I like how we’re advertising for Now That’s What I Call Music! 88.

Klondike: I was a Kidz Bop person, myself.

Ariel: Wait, what year are you?

Klondike: I’m a junior.

Ariel: Like, how were you old enough for Kidz Bop?  Wasn’t it too young for you when it came out?

Klondike: Oh, definitely.

Ariel: [Laughing] Yeah, like what were you doing?

Felicity: He still has it on his pregame music now.

Klondike: It consistently hits top 5 on the charts.

Ariel: What charts?

Klondike:  The actual ones, like Billboard.

Ariel: That’s hilarious, that’s unreal.

Felicity: So, what else remains on your Northwestern bucket list?

Ariel: Somebody asked me this yesterday, like, on a train.

Felicity: Oh, so you must have a really good answer.

Ariel: No, like I forgot.  Like, yesterday I went to Six Flags, right, so I crossed it off my list, since I didn’t go freshman year.  Ski Trip is on my bucket list…

Xenonia: How did you avoid going to Six Flags freshman year? They were really aggressive.

Ariel: Oh, they weren’t aggressive with us.  I think that’s why they started being aggressive, because nobody was really going.  But I think it was cold or something, so I didn’t go.  Yeah, you know I think that’s the only on my bucket list, other than have a really great senior year.

Felicity: Awww!

Klondike: Ok, so we’re gonna have you describe yourself as an emoji, or as a series of emojis.  No drawing or showing on your phone; you’ll have to explain so it sounds like a very poorly constructed sentence.

Ariel: Absolutely. Girl with a pink shirt with her hand held up like she’s a waitress, but she’s actually saying she’s better than everyone else in the room.

Xenonia: I thought she was raising the roof.

Ariel: Was she? I don’t know what she’s doing over there, but she looks sassy while she’s doing it, so I love it. Ok, let’s see.  Then, next we’re gonna have fist pump...How I Met Your Mother has me really on the fist pump.  Umm...let’s see.  The little emoji that’s smiling and blushing--constantly for me, I always blush, but I express that through my emojis so you can’t see it on my face.  Oh, the one that’s crying laughing; I always cry and laugh.

Felicity: Is that it? There’s no limit, so if you want to list all the emojis that would also be okay. There are over 200.

Ariel: The gift box, the diamond ring, the two girls dancing, you know what I’m talking about, the two girls?

Felicity: Oh, yeah, they’re holding hands, with the matching outfits.

Ariel: Definitely the flamingo woman who’s just sassy all by herself, like just the entire you don’t need anyone else...umm…

Felicity: You don’t actually have to list them all, I was just being annoying.

Klondike: If you had to have one actor portray your life in a Disney Channel original movie, who would it be?

Ariel: That’s a great question. Can I do like somebody when they were younger?

Felicity: You can do somebody at any age, any reality, any dimension, whatever.

Klondike: You can have different actors for different stages of your life too.

Felicity: Or you could have two actors, one standing on the other’s shoulders, wearing a long coat.  

Ariel: I know who it is. Currently right now, this is the person I aspire to be. Tracee Ellis Ross. Please tell me, I pray to god, that you know who that is…. if you don’t know then you have to figure it out. She’s Diana Ross’s daughter. She was on the show Girlfriends, never watched it, it was before my time, but let me tell you, she’s a fashion icon. She’s the funniest woman ever in life. You should follow her Youtube channel. I watch all of the videos, I don’t even have a Youtube.

Felicity: So are you like a hired promoter for Tracee Ellis Ross?

Ariel: In my dreams. You know that scene in Mean Girls where one of the girl’s is like, “Regina George bought army pants, so I bought army pants?” Literally I said that to someone about Tracee Ellis Ross. Tracee Ellis Ross just bought new New Balances, so I bought new New Balances. I’ve only worn them once, I don’t know how to wear New Balances in real life but… I love her.

Felicity: She sounds great. Skinny dipping or double dipping?

Ariel: Double dipping.

Felicity: Paper or plastic?

Ariel: Paper.

Felicity: For condoms? Really?

[long, awkward silence broken by uncomfortable laughter]

Felicity: Sorry, that’s such a stupid question.

Klondike: You seemed to have figured out that we tried to look at your Facebook, but the privacy questions are fairly strict. So we’re wondering, what are you trying to hide?

Ariel: Do you want to see it? What I’m hiding?

Felicity: Are you inviting us to be your Facebook friends?!

Ariel: Uh… I was actually inviting you to see a picture on my phone of my Facebook.

Klondike: [To Felicity] You are overstepping your boundaries.

Ariel: So could y’all not see my profile pictures?

Felicity: We could see like seven of them. But no one only has seven profile pictures.

Ariel: I’m hiding years of braces. I had braces for, like, eight years. It wasn’t eight years, it was six, but it was equally as bad. So there are a lot of just like very embarrassing pictures of me on Facebook which should not be seen.

Felicity: How much did you identify with the show Braceface on ABC?

Ariel: 1000%. My locker opened just from the electricity.

Klondike: Is that the one where she has braces with super powers?

Felicity: Yeah. Braceface.

Ariel: Yeah, my life was complicated.

Xenonia: I’ve never seen it…

Felicity: That might have been a couple years before your time, in like the three year gap that exists between us. It was so good, great theme song.

Ariel: No literally, I know all the words to the theme song. So good.

Felicity: In your opinion, what is the most efficient utensil to eat spaghetti with? And don’t say fork because I’ve tried that and I’m not sold.

Ariel: Spork. Every time.

Felicity: That is so smart! I’ve thought about this question a lot, and really I’ve not come up with an answer besides hands.

Ariel: You get the spoon dimension, and you get the fork at the same time. Spork.

Klondike: And you can load up a meatball too.

Felicity: Whoa, let’s not get carried away. Lady and The Tramp over here, thinks he owns spaghetti.

Felicity: Can you tell us a little bit about Homecoming and why you want to be the Homecoming Queen?

Ariel: Homecoming has been a big thing for me as a cheerleader for the past three years. Definitely a widely-anticipated event. I don’t think that the campus necessarily sees it the same way as I’ve had to see it for the past few years. So I’ve seen all the people be nominated for court, like my best friend just graduated this last year and she was on the court. And it was such a great experience to see her up there with her sash. It’s just really awesome to have a time, like you get an alum to come back, especially because we have such amazing alums. I feel like a lot of people don’t know, like who they are, so you get to see that, and see the community band together and watch Evanston not hate us for a second.

And then as far as being Homecoming Queen, it would literally be just a complete honor to have so many people vote for me, if they do. Everyone I met yesterday [at a Homecoming Court tailgate] is so fun and so nice and so great, I’d be equally as happy as if I won.

Felicity: Yeah, in all seriousness, you guys have been really fun and cool, and it’s been a lot of fun for us to interview you guys.

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