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Sherman Ave Interview Guide: Preparing for the Hardest Questions

Sherman Ave Interview Guide: Preparing for the Hardest Questions

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“Tell me about yourself.” Just smile and hope no one asks about your "intermediate  programming skills" via stlpwa.org

This one is simple enough, but so many people mess it up because they aren’t prepared or get overwhelmed by the open-endedness of the question.  The key is to narrow your resume down to a few main talking points that show why you would be a good fit for the position.  Open your eyes, you sorry little shit.  That’s all you are to them: a pathetic series of professional anecdotes and leadership experiences contained within a sack of water and carbon that is “Proficient in Microsoft Word, PowerPoint and Excel.”

 

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

“Sitting in your chair.”  Wow! You really zinged him with that one!  Is his jaw the bass in a hot new EDM track?  Because it just dropped!

 

“What would you consider to be your biggest failure?”

Any experienced interviewer will tell you that it isn’t important what you say, so much as how you say it.  So don’t say, “All my life I’ve had problems with taking risks and confronting my fear of rejection. It’s not so much that I took a big risk once and failed, but rather that I’ve never been able to take that risk in the first place.”

Instead, tell the interviewer, “Todo mi vida yo tenía unos problemas con arriesgarme y enfrentarme a mi miedo del rechazo.  No es que alguna vez yo me arriesgué y fallé, sino que nunca podia arriesgarme en primer lugar.”  Hopefully if you say it in Spanish they won’t understand so you can keep your deep-seated insecurities under wraps!

 

“Did you know you’re adopted?”

Ooh, curveball, right?  Think again!  This question is standard at any behavioral interview, so you better be ready!  There are two main approaches you can take.  In the first, begin by staring at the ground for a few seconds before looking up, teary-eyed to say, “I think deep down I’ve known for some time now, I just never wanted to admit it to myself.”

In the second approach start by falling to the ground in shock and yelling, “No, that’s not true.  That’s impossible!”  At this point the interviewer will tell you, “Search your feelings, you know it to be true.”  Dramatically scream “NOOOOOO!!!” at him.  If the interviewer says that you and he can rule the galaxy as father and son, just bail.  He’s probably nuts (and more machine than man now, anyway).

 

“How did you get in here?  You’re not allowed to be in here!”

This is a favorite question for a lot of employers, and for good reason.  They love asking it because this is a restricted area and you need a minimum Level 5 security clearance to be allowed in!  Is that Rick’s security card?  How did you get that?  What have you done with Rick?  I swear to God if you’ve hurt him I’ll…I’ll…

 

“Did you know if your hand is bigger than your face you have cancer?”

Don’t put your hand up to your face to check; he’s gonna smack your hand and make you hit yourself in the face.  It happened to me once and it was really embarrassing.  Wait until after the interview to check to see if you have cancer.

 

Instagram Filters or Names of People Who Like Coachella on Facebook?

Instagram Filters or Names of People Who Like Coachella on Facebook?

I Found These Tribal Masks in My Attic and Now They Won’t Stop Licking Me

I Found These Tribal Masks in My Attic and Now They Won’t Stop Licking Me